


On A Parr

by LParr



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: AU, M/M, Mike is an actor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-12-18
Packaged: 2018-04-19 11:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 30,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4745369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LParr/pseuds/LParr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Harvey and Mike are friends and have known each other years. </p><p>Mike is an actor who recently split up with his husband. Heartbroken he tries to move on and actually be a functioning member of society again but when Harvey declares his feelings for him, Mike is torn between trying to protect Harvey and keeping their friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_**"I'm sorry"**_ The message had said. 

I had read it at least thirty times, I don't know why. It was if I expected those two words to change, to develop into something else, to alter their meaning.

He was sorry but what for? For telling me finally how he felt? For causing this rift between us? Or for walking away?

Should he even be sorry? Maybe I should be sorry. Maybe I should be sorry for reacting the way that I did. For rejecting him. 

I was sorry though. I was sorry that I was in this situation. I was sorry that I didn't feel I could call him and ask him for lunch, or hang out and watch shitty DVD's whilst drinking beer and eating pizza. But most of all, I was sorry that he had told me, that he had made it so that this situation existed. I was sorry but I was also mad at him. And I was mad at myself for being so fucking selfish. 

I didn't reply. I couldn't. I had no idea what to say. 

_**"It's ok"**_

No, because it wasn't ok. I wasn't ok and neither was he. I didn't send it. 

But at the same time, thinking of him being hurt, hurt me and knowing that I was the one who had hurt him, killed me. 

I closed the message and took a deep breath. I needed to do something but it was Sunday and I had nothing to do, nowhere to go and no-one to see. 

I pulled on some shorts and a plain white polo shirt and grabbed my armband and my Ipod. I needed to run, something that I never felt I needed to do but I needed to feel pain somewhere other than in my heart and in my head. I wanted to run, hard and fast with music blasting in my ears so loud that I couldn't hear my own thoughts. 

I put my armband on, shoved my Ipod in it and put in on shuffle, stuffing my earbuds into each ear harshly. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and shoved my door key into my armband. My trainers were brand new, near enough anyway. I wasn't the type of person who liked exercise. I hadn't even broken them in. I pulled them on and noticed how white they were, how new they looked. I was a novice. I should run try and run through a few puddles and dirty them up. 

Running down my street took my breath away and I had second thoughts before I even reached the end of the road. But I knew it would hurt and it was refreshing to know that I would have some kind of pain that wasn't mental. 

Leaving my phone at home was like taking a holiday. I should abandon it way more often.

I ran for maybe two miles and needed to stop. I was not fit. I hated running and remembered why I didn't do this more. My feet hurt and I wished I bought some money with me so I could get a cab home because honestly, the thought of running another step made me want to puke. I gulped the water down and yanked my headphones from my ears. My breathing was harsh, uneven and loud. I gulped more water and bent over, hands resting on my knees, trying to catch my breath. 

This was a mistake. It wasn't helping in taking my mind off the mess that was my life. I can't believe I went for a run. 

I thought of Harvey and what he had said last night. His words swirling around in my head making me dizzy and feel sick, or maybe that was just the running. 

_**"I know you won’t pick me and that’s fine because all I want is for you to be happy. I just had to tell you how I feel. It’s always been you and I think it will always be you”** _

Ugh. Stop. Enough. I put my headphones back in and turned the music up as loud as it would go and I ran. It was like I was trying to psychically run away from my problems. 

Why did he feel the need to tell me? What did he expect me to do? Should I have leapt into his arms and lurched from one disaster to the next? Should I have been nicer and held him and told him I loved him and I needed him in my life as my friend? Instead I stood there like a fucking idiot and let him go. 

I had ran maybe another mile before my heart was pounding in my chest and I could swear that I heard it beating hard and loud in my ears, over the sounds of Taylor Swift crying about her latest relationship fallout. In hindsight maybe my choice of music could have been better. Harvey would have taken the piss out of me if he knew I was still listening to Taylor Swift. 

Shit, there he was again, sneaking into my thoughts. My water was gone, as was my resolve and I wished I started heading back home two and a half miles ago but nope, here I was three miles from home and exhausted. 

I began walking back, tired and feeling worse than I had before I set out. When did my life become such a fucking mess?

****

Back home an hour later and slumped down on the sofa I checked my messages. 

_**"Please"**_

Harvey. Again. Was he being cryptic or was I being stupid? Please what? Please love me? Wow how conceited was I being?

Nope. Can't do this. I do not have anything left. I cannot have any more drama. I can not do this shit with another man. I can't. I'm done. 

I went upstairs and showered and ignored the throbbing in my feet from my stupid run. I needed a better distraction. I needed to be with another human being. 

I went back downstairs and picked up my phone and texted Rachel. 

_**"Please for the love of God tell me you're not busy"** _

Two minutes later came her reply

_**"Hi to you too. lol. You ok?"** _

_**"Need to talk and stop being in my head for a while, You free?"**_

_**"Babe, wish I could but swamped today. Tomorrow?"** _

Fuck, Of course. I couldn't expect everyone to drop everything because I was lonely. Wow. I was lonely. 

_**"Sure, np's. Have a nice day hun xx** _

_Trevor._

_**"Hello you. So I ran for 6 miles (ok walked 3 and ran 3...but still...you should be impressed) Fancy taking me out for a burger to ruin all of my good work?"** _

_**"Haha, I would have killed to see you run, I didn't even know you knew how :P Sadly us TV actors work on Sundays. I'll call you later tho <3" __**_

Fucks sake.

_**"Poor you! Enjoy xx"** _

Another text came through and I thought it was Trevor with some more lame jokes about my lack of running abilities but it was Harvey, again. 

_**"So either you hate me and want nothing to do with me or you're busy? Maybe what I did was a dick move but do I deserve the silent treatment? Above all, we're friends, I don't know what I expected but it wasn't this"** _

I was going to have to reply. He was right, we're friends and he had been there for me when I felt I didn't have anyone else and I owed him more than this. 

_**"Hey. I'm sorry I just didn't know what to say. I am so grateful for everything you did for me and for you being such an amazing friend and I am so sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry for everything. I never, ever wanted to hurt you. I could never hate you. Ever."** _

I didn't know what else to say, was there anything else I could even say? He replied after a few minutes. 

_**"You don't have to be sorry, you did nothing wrong. This is on me. Can we meet? I don't want things to be weird with us"**_

_**"I think I just need some time to process everything. Can you give me that?"** _

_**"Anything you need"** _

I felt worse. I never ever wanted to hurt him but I had, twice. 

***

_**"Can you please just pick up the phone to me. Yes I was a dick, I should have kept it to myself and I am so sorry that I have made it worse. Can we just forget I said anything. I don't want to lose you"** _

But the thing was, I wasn't his to lose. But even though he and I both knew that, I didn't want to hurt him and I knew what it was like for another person to make you feel shitty and I didn't want to do that to anyone else, let alone him. But between Harvey and Elliott, I was drowning. 

_**"I don't know what to do or say"** _

Simple and honest. I didn't know what to do. I don't know what to say. What did he expect from me? 

_**"Meet me at The Burger Lounge in 20?. Please?"** _

Oh god. I don't want to do this. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. Please don't do this. But I owed it to him. After all these years of being such a good friend to me and after he practically kept me alive through the Elliott farce, I owed him my friendship. 

_**"Make it 30 mins? I look like I'm homeless right now"** _

_**"You could never X"** _

I just hoped he would make it easy for me. 

Thirty five minutes later I am in the car park trying to psyche myself up to go inside. I resemble slightly less of a hobo than I did thirty five minutes ago but it's still not great. I'm wearing black jeans and a plain white t-shirt and black trainers.

I walk into bar and there he is. He looks tired, his eyes are puffy and red but he still manages to be the best looking guy in the restaurant. 

"We match" He says with a smile, standing up to greet me. 

I glance down at him confused and then I get what he means, he's wearing dark black jeans and a plain white t-shirt, the same as me. We look like one of those matchy couples. Except we're not a couple.

"Clearly I manage to make this work better than you ever could" I tell him with a grin.

"Ouch" He jokes feigning insult, his hand reaching up and covering his heart, as if to signify his mock hurt feelings. He grins. His smile is easy and carefree but I know he's faking. 

"Sit?" He asks pointing to the chair. 

I resist the urge to make a dog joke and instead take a seat opposite him. Before I even have chance to put my phone down the waitress is on us, too much make up and fake tan. 

"Hi, I'm Becky, can I start you with some drinks?" She asks. 

"A Coke please"I tell her with a smile

"Pepsi ok?" She replies. 

"Fine, thanks"

She smiles and turns to Harvey wide eyed with a bright white grin, all for him. It pisses me off but I don't know why. 

"Scotch. Single malt" Harvey asks with a bright smile which the waitress promptly returns, she looks like she might combust. 

"It's 11am" I tell him jokingly.

"It's five o'clock somewhere" He grins back. 

I can't question his logic. I wish I ordered a beer now. 

"So..." Harvey drags out the word so it's long and takes three seconds to say "This is awkward" He adds

"I'm sorry" I reply automatically.

"Me too" Comes his answer. 

We're silent. Neither of us knowing what to say. I could be with Harvey. He's lovely and sweet and honest and handsome and- No, stop. I tell myself. He's Harvey. He's fucked more men and women than I've had hot dinners. And I am a mess and he can do way better. Why doesn't he know this? 

"Where do we go from here?" He asks after a minute of silence. 

Before I can answer Miss "I have shares in Mac makeup" comes back. She sets down his Scotch and my Pepsi and asks if we're ready to order. I can't think about food, I feel sick. Harvey seems to understand and tells her that we don't want anything to eat at the moment. Before she walks off, I order my beer, which gets a grin from Mr. Specter. 

"I shouldn't have told you all that" He says not meeting my eyes. 

"Did you mean it?" I ask. 

"Yes"

"Ok. But where do we go from here?" 

"Wherever you want to"

"You're a great friend, perhaps even my best-"

The waitress comes back and puts down my beer and as soon as she sets down the glass in front of me it's in my hand and I am taking a huge gulp before even thanking her. She walks off after another stolen glance at Harvey and it annoys me again. 

"We're friends. I get it" He tells me as I gulp some more of the beer. 

"It's not just that....It was a huge shock. I never for a moment guessed. I didn't know and I feel shit that you have felt like that for so long and I never knew and I never wanted you to be hurt or sad or anything..."

I trail off, I'm rambling and not even thinking and I don't know what to say. I never in a million years wanted to hurt him but I don't love him like that and even if I did, I could never be with him. I can't be with anyone. I am not over Elliott. I may never be over Elliott. 

"It's ok. It's fine. I shouldn't have dumped all of that on you but I meant what I said, I don't wanna to lose you"

I didn't know what to say to that. I wasn't his to lose. I had thought that twice in such a short space of time but it was true. But now I wanted to to protect him, to save him some heartache and pain and If being around me was making it worse for him, then maybe I should let him go. I told him as much. 

He sighed and shook his head and took a huge gulp of his Scotch. 

"Can we just go back to where we were before I said anything?" He asks me, a hopeful tone in his voice. 

"I don't know if I can"

"Well if I can, you can, Surely?"

"Is it that simple though? I mean you have been harbouring these feelings for me for more than a decade and now we're closer than we have ever been. And it sounds like I am being big headed but I don't want you to suffer and surely being near me makes it worse?"

"Being away from you makes it worse" He states factually. 

I don't know what to say to that. We sit there in silence for a full minute. Neither of us can look each other in the eye and then he shakes his head and laughs and it's welcome. His laughter reminds me of all the times when it's been carefree and easy, two friends sat opposite each other sharing a drink at 11am on a Sunday morning. It breaks the tension and automatically makes me feel better but then his face pales and his brow knits and he looks ready to punch someone. 

"For fucks sakes" He whispers and looks to the door


	2. Chapter 2

_~Flashback~_

_I shut and locked the door and slumped down on the floor, with crossed legs. My head was in my hands and my tears fell and hit the marble floor, landing in silent puddles. ___

_What is he doing now? Is he going back to see her? I feel sick, thinking about him sitting with her....Jesus, it kill’s me._

_Is this it now? Is he with her? Even if I wanted him back, could I get him back?_

_I can’t do this. This hurts too much. I can’t catch my breath; my breathing is short and shallow. Am I having a panic attack? I can feel the bile rising in my throat. Can you die of a broken heart?_

_I scoot along the marble floor of the bathroom until I reach the toilet and empty the contents of my stomach into the bowl._

_Is it worse having to deal with the fact that your husband fucked someone else, or is it worse dealing with the realisation that your husband doesn’t even love you 0.01 of a % as much as you love him? Because if he did, he would never have cheated in the first place._

_“Mike? Are you ok?” Harvey calls from the other side of the bathroom door. He sounds slightly frantic._

_I heave over the toilet bowl again and empty what’s left of my stomach in the process. I hate being sick. I hate Elliott. I hate her. I hate them both._

_“No” I cry from inside the bathroom answering Harvey's question._

_No, I’m not ok. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be ok again. The handle on the door goes up and down frantically a few times but the door is locked and Harvey can’t get in._

_“Let me in” Harvey says sounding more frantic but he’s forceful with it, there’s no doubt in my mind that if I don’t open the door, he will break it down. He probably thinks I’ve done something silly._

_I scoot across the cold marble floor to the door, in the most unglamorous way possible and turn the lock. Harvey opens the door a fraction of a second later, peering around frantically._

_“Mike” He sighs when he see’s me leaning against the wall with my knees hugged to my chest. I think there’s still sick on my face, possibly some in my hair too, I’ve been crying my eyes out; it’s pretty safe to say I have never looked worse in my whole life._

_“Mike” He sighs again slumping down on the cold floor and sitting beside me._

_“I can’t do this” I cry breathlessly. “I can’t. It hurts too much” I add through sobs._

_“I know. I know” He tells me as he wraps his arms around me and actually pulls me onto his lap. His chin is on top of my head and his arms are firmly wrapped around me. I’m crying loudly into his bicep as he holds me tightly. My breathing is erratic and uneven through crying and my chest heaves and aches. I’ve never felt worse._

_“You’re ok. I’m here. You’re ok” Harvey tries to soothe me._

_“I’m...I’m not ok” I sob breathlessly back._

_“You will be. I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to get through this. I promise” He tells me earnestly and kisses me on the top of my head. He says this so fiercely, I almost believe him. I want to believe him but I’m in agony and I can’t see a way out_

_~_


	3. Chapter 3

_Then his face pales and his brow knits and he looks ready to punch someone. "For fucks sakes" He whispers and looks to the door._

~

I turn around and see Elliott walking in, with her. 

That feeling creeps up on me. The one where you're overcome with nerves when you're just about to do a presentation or talk in front of a room full of people and you're terrified, the butterflies form and you have to remember to breathe. This is almost like that, it's almost like butterflies but they come with pain. My stomach lurches inwards and it's as if a weight has been dropped on my chest to the point where I almost can't breathe. My throat thickens and I am not sure if I can even speak. 

Knowing that he's with her is the cause for enormous amounts of pain but seeing it is different. It's like my chest is too small for everything it contains. It's like my rib cage has constricted and is crushing my heart. 

The thing is, it's been three months and I really thought I was getting there. I really thought I was getting better. I thought I was healing. Some days I can get to 1pm before the pain comes crashing down and renders me breathless. Some days I'm capable of behaving and functioning like a normal human being, capable of holding a conversation. Some days it hurts less, or I feel more able to cope. Some days are better than others. I'm trying to take it day by day, in darker times hour by hour and in my worst times, minute by minute. There are other days where I find it hard doing the simplest of things, things that most people don't even think about, like eating, some days I can't bring myself to, no matter how hungry I am. I feel sick and push it away or sit at the dinner table for an hour pushing the food around my plate with my fork.

There are still days where I cry for no reason at all.

There are days when I have to plaster a fake smile on my face or give a fake laugh. Days where I pretend.

I don't regret him, or us, or the life that we shared, I regret giving him all of me. I wish I could go back in time and scream at myself to hold something back so that it would be easier to reclaim myself now. But then I get mad at myself for thinking and wishing for such things because I was so full of hope and a gut wrenching sureness that he was my forever and that I did right by giving all of me to him. But that doesn't help now.

Harvey has been talking to me, maybe for several moments. I can't quite hear him, my head feels like it's cloudy and I can't concentrate. 

"Mike!" He almost shouts. I reply, not even sure what I have said, not even sure if what I have uttered is anything more than unintelligible mumbles. 

"I said we're leaving" He almost growls. He has a strange look on his face, usually he's impossible to read, his mask is always firmly in place and he wears his three piece suits like they're armor but right now, the look he's sporting is a strange mix between rage and sorrow. He seems conflicted as to whether he should be angry on my behalf, or whether he should console me. 

I get up from the table and she notices me first, her answer is a grin and I'm not sure what to do with that. But then Elliott's head whips round and he sees me and he's no Harvey when it comes to hiding what he's thinking. Or maybe it's because I know him so well that I recognise the shock, followed by the shame, embarrassment and sadness registering on his face. 

"Mike-" He starts but I cut him off because now is neither the time nor the place to do this and certainly not in front of her. Or Harvey.

"Just don't" I tell him. I meant it to sound normal, neither angry or hurt but it comes out strangled and I wince because I didn't want to appear weak in front of him. I turn on my heel but he grabs my arm and tries to turn me back around to face him.

Before I know it Harvey's at my side. "I'd let go of him unless you want me to break that hand" He tells Elliott, voice hard and ice cold.

Elliott releases my hand and is about to say something back to Harvey when I snatch my arm further away from him, turn back around and begin to walk towards the door. 

"Mike, please-" he calls after me. I can hear the desperation in his voice, the sadness and the regret. Or maybe I just imagine that to make myself feel better. 

I'm at my car but Harvey hasn't followed. I already know that he's still in the restaurant and I already know that he's making his feelings on the subject perfectly clear. It's something I don't want to hear. 

I'm not sure how much time has passed but Harvey emerges, walking towards me head up, body confident, face betraying nothing. 

"I'm sorry about all of that" I tell him.

"You have _nothing_ to apologise for" He states emphatically. "When did Elliott become such a dick though?" He's smiling and trying to joke this off, trying to make me feel better. I love him for that but I can't have this conversation now. It takes all of my effort not to burst into tears and I can't do that. I'm holding on by my finger tips and I can't afford to break now.

"Thank you, for everything" I try to force everything I'm feeling in these words, I hope he knows how much I mean them.

He nods. "Always" he says firmly and offers a small smile before opening my car door for me.

"I'll call you" I tell him. He nods again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the disaster that was the restaurant, Mike is trying to struggle on and gets a visit from Harvey.... _and there's kissing....._

It's been two days since the restaurant and Elliott and her and I've been trying to keep busy because when I stop and think and take a breath it consumes me. 

I had an audition yesterday, my first in three months, since this all happened. It was like heaven and hell. I'm trying but I know it's working on such a superficial level, that I think everyone I talk to, sees it's an act and winces internally. Like they can see right through my façade. 

A knock at the door is a welcome distraction. I should be preparing for my call back audition in a few hours time, rather than focusing on _this._

"Harvey" I smile as I open the door. 

"Hey" he grins back.

We stand there staring at each other for at least twenty seconds. 

"Uhmm, did we have plans?" I ask him. I'm a trainwreck but I don't remember arranging to see him this afternoon. 

"No. Sorry I should have called first..." He trails off. "It's nothing. My afternoon suddenly freed up and I...," he drags a hand over his face. "I thought we could drink this" He says as he hands me a bottle of impossibly expensive Scotch. 

"Whilst daytime drinking is one of my favourite things-" I smile at him "I've got a call back from an audition I did yesterday at 3pm. Can we rain check?" I ask.

"Ah. Yea sure, it's fine. I'll give you a call later" 

"Ok cool."

We say our goodbyes and he walks back to his car. Ray's waiting for him. It's only then I notice a note taped to the bottom of the bottle.

**_'I need us to be ok.'_** The note says and there is only one thought that enters my head upon reading those words and that's; _'So do I.'_

"Harvey!" I shout causing him to stop in his tracks and turn around. 

"Yea?" He calls back. 

"On second thought, I'm not too bothered about the audition, I don't really want the part" I tell him with an easy smile

He grins back and waves Ray off.

"Day time drinking it is then" He smirks at me, walking back up to my front door. 

~

Two hours later the $1500 bottle of Scotch is nearing emptiness and we're sat on the sofa watching Star Trek because heads beats tails and he clearly cheated. 

He has such a man crush on Kirk it's either really sweet and endearing or quite concerning. I love this version of Harvey. Casual clothes, gel free hair and smiling so much that his eyes crinkle and those laughter lines appear in full force. 

"Kirk's the man" He tells me for the umpteenth time. 

I laugh softly and shake my head "I know. You've said" I smile at him as if I am placating a child. 

He turns and looks at me and we hold each others gaze and then he leans in slowly, so slow as if to tell me that if I don't want this, then to pull back but I don't. I find myself leaning in, moving closer to him. Before I know it my lips brush his gently and we kiss.

It's nothing like I would ever have imagined kissing Harvey Specter would be. it's chaste, sweet almost, but at the same time, utterly perfect. As soon as it started, it deepens and it's hungry and desperate and it's full of wanting and needing. We pull away reluctantly, gasping for breath. 

"Are you ok?" He asks cautiously. A worried note in his voice as if I am going to tell him this is a mistake. And maybe it is but I don't want to stop. 

My answer is to lean in and kiss him again. And we kiss for what feels like eternity but it's not enough and my hand moves to his lap but he stops me in my tracks with one word; “Don’t” and grabs hold of my wrist.

“Why?” I ask him. I thought he wanted this. 

“Because it’s not right, I don’t want to take advantage of you” He replies. 

“You’re not.” I smile at him and lean in to kiss him again.

“You have no idea of how much I want to ” Harvey says as my mouth is mere centimetres away from his. 

He kisses me full on the lips. Full of passion, his tongue darting in and out of my mouth. His hand is firmly pressed to the back of my neck, pushing my face, my mouth closer to his. He pulls away after a minute and I'm panting for breath. 

I lean in and kiss him again. My hands find their way to his hair and my fingers catch in it. I pull him closer to me to deepen our kiss and he kisses back fervently. We stand and he's pushing me up against the door frame, his body is pressed against mine. We continue kissing. There is no daylight between us, I can't get any closer to him if I try. 

“Fuck, Mike-” Harvey pants into my mouth. I smile against his lips and deepen our kiss. 

“I want you so badly” He tells me panting heavily.

“I want you too” I reply surprising myself at how breathless I sound. I began to unzip his jeans and he stops me suddenly.

“We should stop” He says. 

“I don’t want to” I reply honestly.

“Mike, I don’t want you to regret this” He tells me with his hand still wrapped around my wrist.

“I won’t”

“I want you” He says as he pulls away, taking my hand, leading me towards the stairs, towards my bedroom. 

I push him down onto the bed and climb on top of him, straddling him, he hoists my shirt up over my stomach, over my chest and pulls it over my head. I kiss his neck and begin to pull his t-shirt off. Once he's shirtless I begin kissing my way down his chest as he grins and moans. 

“Shit” Harvey says “You're so fucking amazing” he sits up and his hands wrap around my back and he's kissing my neck. He moves his mouth to my ear and his breathing is jagged and sharp. "Are you certain? I _can't_ have you regret this" He says urgently and I know and I can feel the meaning behind his words and I know now that I can't do this-

"STOP" I yell and he does immediately. 

"I'm sorry. I can't. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I cry as I climb off him and sit at the bottom of the bed, my head in my hands. 

What the fuck am I doing? I have only ever been with Elliott and this isn't right. Not because of Elliott or the fact that I'm a fucking mess but because I know Harvey has feelings for me and I cannot let my moment of weakness or wanting to be wanted by someone, lead him on or give him hope that we have a future. This isn't right and I am so ashamed of myself for doing this.

"Mike" He says softly as he sits up. "It's ok. I shouldn't have let it get this far. Are you ok?" He asks gently, picking up his shirt from the floor and pulling it on. 

"I'm sorry" I say again. I'm not sure if I can even look him in the face.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to-" I say again and he cuts me off. 

"Sssh, it's ok, don't. It's fine" He climbs up from his spot and comes to join me at the bottom of the bed, slinging his arm over my shoulder and pulling me to his side. 

We sit in silence for a minute before he speaks again. 

"Are you ok?" He asks me gently. 

"No" I reply honestly "I'm sorry but I need to get my head together...." I say not really sure how to finish that sentence. I don't want him to leave but I need him to because I can't keep doing this to him. I've taken advantage of his feelings for me so that I can feel better about myself. How am I any better than Elliott?

"Ok" He says with a finality which makes me nervous. "I'll go but promise me you won't do anything stupid" He adds. Too late for that I think. 

"I promise" 

He gets up and kisses me gently on the top of my head before walking out of the bedroom door and it only serves to make me feel worse.


	5. Chapter 5

I heard him close the front door slowly. He's a better man than I am, I would have definitely slammed it shut. 

~

We haven't spoken for a week. I haven't called and neither has he. 

I fucked up. I used his feelings for me to make myself feel better. I'm too ashamed to call him. But he hasn't called me and no matter how much time I spend trying to work out why that is, I still don't know if it's because he hates what I did or he's realised I need some space.

All I know, is that I miss him. 

~

I was 18 when I met Harvey. I was just starting out as an Actor. My first gig was this TV show I ended up doing for years. A typical high school drama with friends and messy love lives. When I got the part, I needed a lawyer to check over my contract, to make sure there was nothing I was missing. 

Arrogant, full of himself Harvey. He only graduated a handful of years before but he already thought he was better than everyone else. And perhaps, even then, he was. 

I just thought that he was a douche. 

But then, after a writers strike and contract re-negotiation's and the threat of my character being written out, I saw him for who he was, who he still is and that's a fighter. He's someone who would do what was needed to win, but he would never cross a line. Sure he occasionally worked in the grey but he knew who he was and anything he did to win, was within the realms of the law. Working in the grey was frowned upon but done when needed. Working in the black was not. I respected that about him and now twelve years on, there's so much more I respect and admire about him.

He's the person you call when your backs against the wall and there's no one better to have in your corner than him.

Of course it helped that Elliott recommended him, that they had been friends since they were kids. Polar opposites. Elliott; quiet and shy. Harvey; strong, cocky and arrogant. It seemed strange them being so close. 

I thought back to the night he admitted he had feelings for me

~

_“Ok you want to know..." he paused for a long moment, opened his mouth and closed it again_

_"I...." it was if he was straining to say the words "I love you and I think I have since the day you walked into my office in that shitty, cheap suit and that pathetic skinny tie. But you and I, it was never going to happen because you were just a kid and you and Elliott had just started seeing each other and" He was almost shouting now "It's a fucking impossible situation for me!"_

_"I love you and I don't say those words lightly. But you married him and I accepted that a long time ago. I accepted that my" He paused, shook his head and scowled as if even saying the word annoyed him "feelings...." he spat the word out as if it were dirty and left a sour taste in his mouth "...didn't matter"_

_“But we’re friends?” I replied not knowing how to take or what to do with this information._

_“It was all you could give me and I would take that, over nothing at all"_

_“Harvey, I-“ words failed me. I couldn't do this with him._

_“I get it. You're not over him but we might as well get this all out in the open now" He paused "The hardest thing I’ve had to do is watch you love someone else. It’s one thing to be in love with someone who can’t return those feelings but to see them with the person that they love is brutal and for the person that they love to be your friend, is insufferable. I don't get jealous of people, people get jealous of me! But I was jealous of him and in a way, I think I still am. There were times when I would find myself hating him because he had you!"_

_"I'm so sorry" I told him "If I had known-"_

_"Then what? You would have picked me? That's not you and that's not me, I don't break up relationships and neither do you"_

_"Harvey-"_

_"No, Mike, you don't have to because I know you won’t pick me and that’s fine because all I want is for you to be happy. I just had to tell you how I feel. It’s always been you and I think it will always be you””_

_Tears ran down my cheeks but I was frozen to the spot as he turned around with a shake of his head and walked away._

And I let him go. 

~

"Why don't you call him?" Rachel said taking a sip of her coffee

"And say what? Oh Hi Harvey, Sorry about the other day and the whole you telling me you love me thing and then we almost fucked because I was such a mess about seeing my previously gay, now bi, cheating, soon to be ex husband and the woman he left me for and then I panicked because to me it was about being wanted and to you it was something more and then I practically threw you out of my house. Do you fancy coming over for a beer?" I rambled back sarcastically.

"I feel like you could word it slightly differently" She says with a smile.

"I think the best thing I can do for him right now, is leave him alone"

"I think that's the worst thing you can do for him" She states as if it were an irrefutable fact.

"Rach" I tell her "He said he's in love with me and I have already hurt him too much. What I did the other day was just awful. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to forgive myself, how can I expect him to forgive me?"

"He probably already has. You said he was more worried about you when he left didn't you?"

"He was"

"He cares about you. He always has and I know you care about him too"

"I do but that's the problem. He wants more and I know he'd never push me for that but it's there"

"But he also said he would rather have you as a friend than nothing at all"

"But how can I keep doing this to him?"

"Do you think Harvey lets anyone do anything to him? He knows what this is, he's a grown up Mike"

"I care about him too much to keep hurting him"

"Ok, but I think you're wrong. I think you should call him"

"Noted"

"Well that was heavy, we should probably get drunk" Rachel says with a grin. 

She and I had known each other since "Water under the Bridge" my first film and her twentieth, or something ridiculous like that, for a then, 18 year old actress anyway. She started when she was a kid and now she's prolific and incredible. We hit it off straight away and she taught me the ropes. 

~

Several hours later and I’m really quite drunk. 

I’m up and dancing and I know It’s embarrassing and I know I'll regret it when I’m sober but Rachel was right, I needed this. 

“More drink?” Trevor asks, slurring his words. It’s not just me who is drunk, we are all pretty far gone.

“YES!. I'll go” I shout loudly above the music. 

I’m concentrating a lot as I make my way to the bar. The floor is slippery and my shoes have zero grip and spilt drinks litter the already hard to walk on surface. I'll never understand why they put glossy floors in pubs and clubs. I don’t want to fall down, I've humiliated myself enough recently and could really do without tumbling to the ground, in the middle of a club on a Wednesday evening. I’m ecstatic that I’ve made it in one piece and wait to be served. 

Rach wanted to go to some club and have a VIP corded off section, where you get brought your drinks but I hate those places and so does Trevor. Although Trevor's reason for coming here is most likely to do with his new found attention. He's just wrapped the first season of a TV series, based on a book trilogy for young adults. It's gotten a lot of success and now he can barely go anywhere without getting mobbed. Of course he loves it and is in his element whenever it happens, all the while pretending to be mortified by the attention. 

My happiness soon fades as I wait to be served and glance across the bar and see Harvey with a woman, who looks like (and let’s be honest, probably is) a runway model. She has legs up to her neck, a mane of blonde hair and the greatest body you have ever seen. Anyone would look shabby next to her. But Harvey doesn't. He looks phenomenal in a dark grey, perfectly tailored suit, crisp white shirt and black, silk tie, complete with matching pocket square. His hair is immaculate, coiffed and gelled into place. He’s drinking a Scotch and I can't stop staring. 

This place isn't his scene. He's much more comfortable in a quiet bar, sat on a big leather couch with jazz music playing softly in the background. He's the best dressed person here, by far. Everyone else is wearing casual shirts, jeans and high tops, myself included. Anyone else would stick out like a sore thumb but of course Harvey doesn't, nothing matters when you're as confident as he is and whilst he's most definitely noticed that he is the odd one out, he won't give a shit. 

The woman he's with is stunning. She's probably a client, or a friend, _or his date._ Harvey's never labelled his sexuality, he says it's based on attraction to the person as an individual, rather than their gender but he's been with more women than men. He's not 'out' at the office, he's never tried to hide it but his work is work and his personal is personal and it's no-one else's business. Of course Donna knows. She knows everything. Jessica too. There is no-one else at Pearson Specter he cares about. Unlike all the other Senior Partners he doesn't have an Associate because _"I don't trust some Harvard douche to pick up my dry cleaning, let alone work my cases"_ he says it like being a Harvard Law Graduate is an insult despite the fact that he went there and finished fifth in his class. Reminding him of this only results in an _"But I am the exception"_ speech. Truly though, any would be associates have had a lucky escape because whilst he's my friend and a lot of wonderful things, he can be a real asshole at times. 

I turn around before he sees me and walk back to Rachel and Trevor, I don’t really stare at my feet, so I’m hoping that they won’t betray me the whole way back to my friends. 


	6. Chapter 6

“What’s wrong?” Trevor asks me trying his best to be concerned but he’s drunk and having a good time. 

“Harvey's here” I shout over the music as Rachel turns around hearing what I’ve said.

“A perfect opportunity to go and talk to him" She says with a grin that is much too bright and big.

“I thought we'd agreed to disagree on that?" I tell her giving her a sharp look. "Anyway, it looks like he's with a client so I can't" I add quickly, hoping that she'll drop it "Shall we make a move and go somewhere else?" I add, in what I hope, is a blasé tone. 

“Where is he?” She asks

“At the bar” I nod my head in its direction. 

"I think you should go over" She tells me.

"We've talked about this. I said no" I tell her firmly. 

"Ok. You're wrong but ok. I'm dropping it"

"I'll go to the bar" Trevor says and walks off quickly noting the atmosphere has suddenly turned a little sour. I don't want to fall out with Rachel, I seem to have drama with everyone right now and I don't want to add her to the list. We've been friends a long time and she and Trevor are like family to me. 

"Thank you" I tell her.

"What for?" 

"For not telling me what I want to hear and for being honest with me"

"Always" She smiles in response and just like that, it's forgotten. 

~

“Excuse me but aren’t you Mike Ross?” A man with short, light brown hair and muddy brown eyes suddenly appears in front of me, it's hard to hear him over the music but I can just make out what he's saying. 

“Nah, I just look like him. I get it all the time. Sorry to disappoint" I grin back. 

Being in the public eye is a funny thing. I have gotten some what used to people stopping me in the street, or in shops, bars and restaurants to ask for autographs, to tell me how much they enjoyed my latest film, or in some cases, how much they hadn’t enjoyed my latest film. Although, some days are better than others and if one person spots me or Rach or Trevor then we might as well have gone to the club with the corded off VIP area. I felt bad about lying but I hadn't expected this to happen today.

"Ahh that sucks. I was just coming over to tell you how much I loved 'The Rules of the Game' and how brave I think you are being an openly gay actor"

I grinned. 'The Rules of the Game' came out four months ago and it has been a turning point in my career. My first agent told me it was a huge mistake to come out but I never wanted to lie about who I was. I spend so much of my life pretending to be someone else for my job and when I'm not filming, I just want to be me. I don't want to live a lie and what if my being out and open helps someone else struggling with their sexuality? 

So when I made the decision to come out, the same agent said I wouldn't get any work, that no one would believe me as a leading man, that no one would buy me as a leading lady's love interest. Being gay was fine but only behind closed doors. He even offered to hire me a 'girlfriend'. He wasn't my agent for much longer. 

And whilst getting my foot in the door might have been a bit harder, it did make me more determined because I had something to prove. It made me more focused. It made me more determined to prove them all wrong. 'The Rules of the Game' was my first real leading man role and so far, it's doing great and the majority of my reviews had been excellent.

"I'm sure the real Mike Ross would be thrilled to hear that" I grinned back at him. 

"So what's your name?" He asks me.

Ahh shit. 

"Ok, you caught me. I am Mike Ross. I'm sorry I lied, it's just I am out with some friends and didn't want a whole thing" 

"Well Mike Ross. I just wanted to come over and say how much I loved 'The Rules of the Game' and to say how brave I think you are for being an openly gay Actor"

"Thank you" I smile back at him sincerely. 

"I'm Tom. It's really nice to meet you. Can I buy you a drink?" He asks me.

"Ahh, that's really kind of you but I should be getting back to my friends. It was nice to meet you too Tom" I reply. 

"How about a dance?" 

"Thanks, but as I said, I should be getting back to my friends"

"I was sorry to hear about you and your husband" He tells me and my heart sinks. 

Of course it was in the press all around the time I was promoting my film. It's still being played out and it sucks. Going through a marriage break down is hard enough, your husband cheating on you is horrendous but the whole World knowing about it takes it to another level of hell. 

"Uhh, Thank you" I tell him.

"When's your next film out?" He asks changing the tone of our conversation.

"Got nothing planned yet" I tell him. I blew off my last audition last week. For Harvey. "I'm reading a lot of scripts but nothing's booked"

"Shame" He replies "You're a great actor. I've seen everything you've done"

"Well I'm sorry about Wicker Street" I tell him with a laugh. There are some things which look great on paper and then in practice, they're a train wreck. Every Actor makes a bad film and Wicker Street was mine. 

He laughs "Well that one sucked but you were great in it" He says honestly. 

"Thank you but I am sorry you had to sit through that" 

"Maybe if you bought me a drink it would make up for it. Really it's the least you could do"

"You make a good point" I tell him with a grin and begin walking to the bar. "What can I get you?" I ask him when we've reached it. 

"A beer would be great, thanks" 

I manage to get the barman's attention and order three beers and a glass of champagne, Rachel and Trevor will kill me if I don't get them one. 

"Thanks" Tom tells me taking his beer from the bar and before I know it, his hand reaches out and touches mine. He grins up at me and starts to lean in. I pull back but the bar is crowded and I have no-where to back up to. 

"Tom!" I sigh loudly and he stops. "Look, I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression but this isn't going to happen" I tell him urgently. 

"It doesn't have to mean anything" He tells me.

"Are you ok Mike?" A voice behind me asks. It's deep and commanding and belongs to one Harvey Specter. And of course Harvey would choose this moment to appear. I turn around and there is he, looking completely out of place in his twelve thousand dollar suit, his jaw tight and mouth set in a thin line. 

"I'm fine thanks Harvey" I say in response. He moves forward and stands at my side, hands clenched into fists. 

"Your boyfriend looks angry" Tom says stood opposite us, a smile on his face. 

Before I can say anything, Harvey does "I'm not his boyfriend but I can tell you this now, he's not interested so I suggest you be on your way"

Tom shakes his head and smiles. "Thanks for the beer Mike, it was nice to meet you and good luck with your career" and walks off before I have chance to reply. 

Harvey moves forwards and takes his place, he picks up the beer I bought for Trevor from the bar and takes a swig. 

"You sure know how to pick them" He says mildly amused.

"Overzealous fan" I say by way of an explanation, taking a swig of my beer. 

He nods in reply and we stand in silence for a minute. 

"Can we talk?" I ask and motion to the beer garden at the back of the club.

"Sure" He replies and turns off in the way of the garden, I follow him. 

We sit at a bench at the back of the beer garden. It's only then I realise I have left Rachel's champagne on the bar. There are a few smokers out here and the thump of the music in the club is ever present. Harvey swigs on Trevor's beer and says nothing. 

"I'm sorry about the other day" I tell him honestly. It has to be said and even though neither of us particularly want to go there, it's time to acknowledge the elephant in the room. 

"Me too" He replies.

"Harvey, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have used you like that and I am so sorry"

"I know you are" He replies and takes another swig of the beer. "I shouldn't have let it get that far. It was selfish of me-"

"Selfish of you?" I shout incredulous. "You did nothing wrong, it was me and I am sorry, truly" 

"It happened. It's done. I'm not going to sit here with you and talk about our _feelings_. We both made mistakes and we know it, so lets just forget it."

"I should have called you"

"Mike-"

"I should have. To apologise. I'm sorry"

"We both should have done a lot of things differently"

He's right. But I'm the one in the wrong here, not him.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him changing the subject. "You hate these places"

"I had a dinner and she wanted to come here afterwards" 

"Who is _she?_ "

"Why didn't you call though?" He asks changing the subject.

"I guess I was embarrassed and I felt guilty"

"Guilty? About what?"

"All I do is hurt you"

He laughed as if the mere idea of him having hurt feelings was hilarious but said nothing. We sit in silence. 

"She's pretty" I tell him. After a few minutes of awkward silence.

“So you saw her then?”

"Yea. Who is she?" 

“Heidi” 

“Funny, I didn’t see any pigtails or lederhosen” 

“Heidi is a Swiss name and lederhosen is German”

"First date?" I ask. 

"You almost sound like you're jealous"

"Why should it bother me if you're out on a date?"

"Yea, you seem completely unfazed by it" He says sarcastically. "Sorry I interrupted yours earlier" He continued. 

"No you're not" 

"No, I'm not" He agreed. 

"It wasn't a date anyway, I told you, overzealous fan. He watched Wicker Street, I kinda owed him"

"You still owe me for sitting through that piece of crap"

"Yea thanks" I replied sarcastically. "So Heidi...."

"Why do you care?"

"I just want you to be happy"

“Your tie is awful. What are you one of those hipster kids now? What's with the skinny ties?" He replies clearly wanting to change the subject.

"Did Donna teach the word Hipster? And you've been talking to me for ten minutes now, aren't you desperate for a pee?" I reply indulging him. 

"A pee? What are you? Five? And why do you always go straight to the prostate? It's so classless"

"Oh come on dude-"

"Don't call me dude" 

"Are you on a date?" I say, reverting back to our original topic of conversation. 

"Yes. I am"

It was like he'd punched me in the stomach. But it makes no sense why I am hurt by this. 

"I better let you get back to her then" I said standing up, suddenly wanting to leave and be as far away from him as possible.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I should go and find Trevor and Rachel"

"Mike-"

"It's nothing, I told you. I should go back to Trevor and Rachel and you should go back to Heidi"

"Are you jealous?"

"What? No! Of course not"

"You forget I read people and if you're honest, you'd admit that you have more than platonic feelings for me. But you're so scared so you're taking the easy route"

"Easy route? What the hell is easy about my life? My husband fucked someone else. A woman! And then he left me. And whilst I have been dealing with that, you drop the 'I love you' bomb on me and we're here and so far away from being where we were and I hate it!" 

Harvey shook his head, an unamused smile on his face. 

"You think you're the only one going through things that are hard?" He paused annoyed and flabbergasted and stood up from the bench quickly. "I'm going back to Heidi" He said.

“Well go on then! I’m not stopping you. Go; go on back to little Miss Swiss Alps” I replied furiously. 

“You're being ridiculous” He replied and spun on his heel, storming off back to the club.

“Don’t keep her up too late” I shouted after him “She’s got to get up early to herd some goats!” I screamed as he was nearly at the door.

“I don’t plan on letting her go to sleep” he replied angrily in response. 


	7. Chapter 7

We haven't spoken since that night at the bar. It's been three weeks. He hasn't called and he won't return my calls. I must have called him a hundred times. I always seem to owe him an apology and now he's not interested in hearing it. 

We seem to go through this vicious circle where it's good and he's the only person I want to spend any time with and the only person I want to be around and then something happens and we go through days and weeks without speaking to each other. 

I have called his mobile, his home phone and his office and I have emailed and texted but Donna keeps telling me he's busy, or he's in court, or he's dealing with a case. I understand why he hasn't called back but we've been friends for a long time and surely if he wanted for us to be ok then he would but he hasn't and I don't think he will. 

And what's worse is, I understand. I have been a shitty friend to him and whilst he's always been there for me, I have used him to make myself feel better, reacted awfully when he told me he loved me and shouted and screamed at him in a club just because he was on a date. If I were him, I'd be done with me too. 

But I miss him. And I want to apologise. I want to tell him that I'm sorry and I'll leave him alone if that's what he wants. I want to tell him that I won't do everything that I have been doing that has hurt him so much. I want to tell him I need him. I want to tell him that I want him in my life. I want to tell him that I want our friendship back but if he doesn't, or he can't, then I'll understand. I just want him to answer the phone to me. 

I just want to talk to him. 

~

You know your life is in a shambles when you have an appointment at 3pm and you have to set an alarm. 

I've been sleeping so much recently and no matter how many hours I get, it's not enough. 

It's weird, in TV shows and films they almost make depression seem arty and cool but there's nothing arty in being depressed. There's nothing cool about it either. It's not smoking cigarettes and daytime drinking. It's not writing down your feelings in the middle of the night. It's being so cut off from the World that you don't want to leave the house. It's not showering, cleaning yourself, brushing your teeth or washing your hair. It's about not caring. It's about giving up. It's not wanting to eat and not even being able to recall when you last did. Or it's binge eating everything in your house and eating until you want to puke. It's turning your phone off because you can't bring yourself to talk to anyone. It's about removing yourself as far from the World as you possibly can because you can't to even cope. It's sleeping for a whole day and night because even though you weren't tired, you can't get out of bed. It's binge watching TV shows because you need something other than the horrible thoughts you're thinking and feeling to occupy your brain. It's not crying for hours or crying yourself to sleep at night, it's being so emotionally crippled that you can't even cry and even if you could, there's no point, it won't make it better. Depression is heartbreaking and terrifying and not caring all at the same time.

I always thought I was a strong person. A survivor. I lost both my parents as a kid in a car accident and was brought up by my Grandmother who passed away two years ago. I'd gotten through that. I thought I could get through anything. But after Elliott I just feel so lost and empty and hurt. I can't quite remember what feeling normal is. I don't want to give up but maybe I already have. 

Harvey and I had this exact conversation just after I found out about Elliott and he told me that _"Having the strength to take of yourself when the World is trying to bleed you dry, it's the bravest thing there is"_ But I'm not brave. I'm not taking care of myself. The house is a mess and so am I. 

I miss him. I wish he'd pick up the phone to me. 

I have a meeting for a film where the Director has expressed an interest in me. It's a pretty big deal and I wish I was in a better place to do this. But I need to try and move forwards, even if it's just going through the motions. 

I'm dressed in smart, dark coloured jeans and a blue button down shirt and wearing soft brown, leather shoes, I think I look ok, normal even. I just wish I felt it. 

I feel like I'm not just going to be acting at the audition but acting my way through the meeting, trying to present a normal version of myself, a happy version even. 

I'm so tired.

I'm just about to head out of the door when my mobile phone rings noisily in my hand. I glance down at the display and suddenly I'm frozen to the spot and it's like a thousand foot neon sign staring down at me "Harvey Specter Work" is flashing frantically at me from the screen. 

"Harvey" I say. A statement rather than a question. I can't believe he called. I don't know what he wants or whether this is just a call to tell me to leave him alone so I launch clumsily into everything I want to tell him

"I am so glad you called, thank you. I'm so sorry about what happened in the beer garden and everything I said, I didn't mean it and I just want you to be happy, I'm so sorry for being such a dick about everything-" 

"MIKE. MIKE. STOP." A voice interrupts me urgently but the voice doesn't belong to him.

"Donna?" I question, even though I know it is, of course it is. 

"Yes, it's Donna" 

"I'm sorry, I thought you were Harvey"

"Yes, I gathered that-" She says with what I think is a smile in her voice.

"WAIT!" I panic "Is Harvey ok?" I say, suddenly crippled with fear that something awful has happened and that's why she's calling. 

"Mike, calm down" She says "He's fine. He asked me to call to ask you to come in to the office tomorrow. There's been a wrinkle with your divorce and he wants you to sit down with Louis Litt to go through it-"

"Wait, he wants me to sit down with Louis? Why?" 

"He has a full case load right now and he hasn't got time. It's more a formality than anything so Louis is more than capable of dealing with it" 

Right. He doesn't want to speak to me so he's making Donna call me to tell me this. He doesn't want to see me so he's palming me off on Louis. I swallow thickly and take a deep breath. 

"Mike? Are you still there? Norma, Louis' assistant says he has a free slot at 11.30am, does that work for you?" She asks. 

And let me guess, Harvey won't be in the building.

"No actually it doesn't. I'll have to work out when I'm free" I tell her coldly. It's not her fault I know but I can't quite catch my breath and I find myself gripping the table in front of me so tightly that my knuckles turn white. 

"Ok, well let me give you Norma's number so you can set up an appointment with her directly" Donna tells me. 

Great, so now not only is Harvey done with me but Donna is too. 

"No, it's fine" I reply. I need to get off the phone right now whilst I can still reign in my emotions. 

"Ok then, I'll text it to you" Donna says. 

"No. Don't worry. Tell Harvey I've got the message. He wants me gone, so I'm gone. I'll start looking for other legal representation"

"Mike-" 

"Bye Donna" I say and hang up the phone before she has chance to reply, before I have chance to fall apart. 

~

My audition passes in a blur and I find myself walking home. But then forty minutes later I'm at Pearson Specter and not my house and I don't even remember making the decision to come here.

I've never seen Donna shocked before. All seeing and all knowing Donna lost for words. 

"Mike. I didn't realise you had an appointment" 

"You know I don't. Can I go in?" I jerk my head towards his office door. 

“What are you doing here Mike?” 

"I need to talk to him." 

You could see she was deliberating, working out which course of action would be for the best. She cares about Harvey, he's family to her but she wants him to be happy, above everything that's all she wants. Not only that, she's the first person to tell him when he's being an ass. Maybe that's why she's deliberating because she knows I'll second that opinion. Or maybe she agrees with him and wants me gone too and knows this needs to happen so we can both be done. 

"Don't hurt him" She warns, moving aside and leaving the path to his door open. 

That's all I seem to do I think. It's all we seem to do to each other.

I knock before walking in. His mask slips for a fraction of a second when the surprise registers on his face but he's a pro and it's in place again before I can even blink. 

"Mike. I have a meeting in twenty minutes and this isn't the time or the place"

"I'll be quick" I promise. He doesn't say anything else so I take that as my cue to continue.

"You don't take my calls, you don't call me back, you don't answer my emails, or my text messages. You get Donna to call me about the divorce and now you're trying to palm me off to Louis" I ramble at him, surprising myself at how angry I sound. 

"I'm working on a murder trial so I'm sorry I can't drop that to deal with your paperwork"

"I get that you're busy Harvey but we have been friends for twelve years and even though I have fucked up, I would expect you have the balls to tell me to my face that you're done, instead of hiding behind Donna and passing me off on another lawyer-"

"The balls to tell you to your face?" He shouts back at me. "Tell you what? Tell you that I'm sorry I can't drop everything and hold your hand? That I'm sorry I can't leave my client to go to Prison, so I can personally handle your divorce for you?"

"It's not about that and you know it" I spit angrily back at him. 

"Then what is it about? _This_ " he says gesturing his arms between us "Is all on your terms"

"Right ok, so you're punishing me. That's what this is. I get it now. Well, you might be done but now so am I. So tell Louis thanks but no thanks. Tell Jessica I'm no longer a client. Because message received Harvey, we're done" 

He doesn't say anything, just sits at his desk staring at me impassively and I'm not sure if I am more angry or sad but I can't seem to stop the tears prickling my eyes and threatening to spill over. I need to leave now before this gets worse, although I'm not sure if that's even possible. 

I turn around without saying another word and head towards the door.

Instead of all the other times when I have let him go, it's his turn now and he lets me walk out of the door without uttering a single word.


	8. Chapter 8

Donna glances at me as I walk out of Harvey's office and past her desk. She's almost as good as Harvey is when it comes to hiding her emotions but not quite. Her face has a tinge of sadness. She feels sorry for me. Or Harvey. I'm not sure which. But she's also angry. Again at me or Harvey, I don't know. I don't say anything. I can't. I'm using every ounce of strength I have not to burst into tears. 

I've just thrown away twelve years of friendship. I've just hurt someone, who for the past decade, has been family to me. 

My chest hurts. I can feel saliva pool in my mouth like I'm going to vomit right here in the corridor. My eyes are stinging with tears that have yet to spill over but it's only a matter of time before they do. 

I'm almost at the elevators which means I'm almost at the street, which means every step I take after that, is a step closer to being home. Then I can fall apart. 

A voice behind me urges me to acknowledge their presence but I just keep walking. It's not his voice. Harvey Specter doesn't run after anyone. Harvey Specter doesn't chase anyone. 

"Mr. Ross!" The voice shouts urgently and it gives me no choice but to turn around when it's owners hand is on my shoulder. 

"Yes?" I say staring down into the face of a slightly tubby, balding man, with teeth too big for his face and a suit jacket that is too tight in the waist. 

"Mr. Ross. I'm Louis Litt. I'm sorry I missed you but my assistant told me your appointment was tomorrow"

"Louis, I'm no longer a client of this firm. Thanks for your time but I'll be in touch once a new lawyer has been organised, to handle the transfer of my files." 

"Why?" He asks, face angry. It's like I have personally insulted him by deciding to leave the company he works for. 

"Please, it's nothing against you or your handling my case but I have made the decision to look for other legal representation, for personal reasons" I tell him. Personal reasons meaning that I have hurt someone that I care about to such a degree that they don't even want to talk to me any more and instead of understanding that, I go to his place of work and tell him we're done. 

I'm holding on by a thread and the lump in my throat seems to grow impossibly big with every passing second. 

"You don't have time to look for another attorney" he tells me urgently, although still clearly annoyed. "Your husband is asking for half of everything as well as financial support. The meeting is booked for Tuesday, which is why I need to see you, so we can work out a plan to fight this" Louis replies. 

Elliott wants half? And spousal support? But he had an affair. He left me. Surely there's been a mistake. I tell Louis as much. 

"He requested this a week ago. Did Harvey not tell you?" 

That would involve Harvey actually speaking to me.

I swallow thickly. "No. He didn't. Do I have to be at the meeting?" 

"Yes" He answers simply. "Please, do you have a few minutes to talk through our options?" 

I can't stay here. I need to leave. Right now. Harvey and I are done. Elliott wants half of everything. I don't give a shit about the money but how dare he do this? This is his fault. He did this. Surely he shouldn't get a reward for ruining our marriage and breaking my heart. 

But I am so damn tired. I need to leave. I just can't be here. 

"Give him what he wants" I say and walk away, getting on the now open elevator and leaving Louis stood in the hallway. 

~

I should have looked for a new lawyer, I shouldn't have let Louis take this case. I told Harvey I was done but now, two days later, I'm sat in a meeting room at his firm, with Louis Litt sat besides me and my soon to be ex husband and his lawyer sat opposite us. 

"So Mr. Ross doesn't contest my clients requests for half?" Elliott's lawyer asks. 

"Your damn right he does" a voice at the door states emphatically.

I don't need to turn around, I know who's voice that is. What I don't know is why he's here. 

"Excuse me but who are you?" Elliott's lawyer asks.

"Harvey. Harvey Specter. As in the Specter, from Pearson Specter" He states with a level of confidence that is second to none, as he saunters across the meeting room and takes a seat at my other side, unbuttoning his suit jacket as he sits down. 

I look to Louis who is trying to reign his anger in. It's no secret to me that he and Harvey have a difficult relationship, sometimes they're good but most of the time Harvey is the thorn in his side and Louis makes a life of being in his shadow. 

"My client isn't giving him shit" Harvey states forcefully. 

"Mr. Ross has already agreed to give my client half of everything and spousal support, this meeting is to make that final" Elliott's lawyer states. 

Harvey ignores him and instead turns to Elliott. 

"Here's how it's going to be" He says "You're going to sign the divorce papers and you're going to agree to getting nothing. Now or in the future. Then, one minute after you do, you and Mike are done" 

"I would like you to address me, rather than my client directly" Elliott's lawyer states. 

"I don't give a shit what you want" Harvey replies without missing a beat.

"I am entitled to half-" Elliott states, It's the first thing he's said since he arrived. 

"Bullshit! You had an affair and you left your husband for the person you cheated on him with. You'll get what you came to this marriage with and nothing else. He's not giving you shit" Harvey shouts back at him. 

"Harvey" I say, my voice quite and timid and I hate that it sounds like that. "Can I speak to you in private please?" I add. 

We get up and leave the room and Louis follows. We're walk towards his office and Donna nods and smiles tightly at me as I pass her. 

"Louis. I need to talk to Mike in private please" Harvey asks in a reasonably polite tone. Surprising both Louis and I. 

"This is my case. Mike is my client" Louis replies bitterly. 

"It's your case because I gave it to you. And Mike, he's more than a client _to me,_ he's family" Harvey replies and my heart slams against my chest. Maybe he's not done. I know he cares about me, he wouldn't have stepped a foot in that meeting room if he didn't. 

I mumble an apology to Louis as he walks out of Harvey's office. I turn to face Harvey. He looks anxious. We haven't spoken for two days, since we both admitted that we were done. Well he didn't say that, just implied it, but I did. 

"I thought you were getting another Law firm" He asks me. He's teasing, there's a small smile playing on his lips

"Well apparently my previous lawyer didn't leave me a lot of choice. Or time. I only found out two days ago that half of everything I own was up for grabs. I don't know why I'm telling you though, apparently you've known for a week"

"I didn't tell you, because I was fixing it" 

"You were? Or Louis was?" 

"I was"

"So why Louis?"

"I don't have regrets, that's just not who I am. But I regret where we are. And if I could go back in time and change it, I would" He replies not answering my question.

"And that's supposed to make this all better is it?"

"No. I just wanted you to know"

"Well it's not just you who has apologies to make"

"You and I" He tells me before pausing "We will _never_ be done"

I already knew that. Deep down I did. But to hear him say it, almost ruins me. 

"You're not the only one who got more family out of this" I tell him gesturing my arm between us "And I don't want to lose you and I don't want us to be done. I just am a fucking train wreck right now"

"Don't" he says and shakes his head, almost sadly "I hate it when you put yourself down like that. The truth is Mike, even at your worst, you were more than perfect to me"

A lump forms in my throat and it hurts to swallow. I am so relieved that I haven't lost him and that we're going to get through this. I am so touched that he stepped in with Elliott. I walk towards him and close the gap between us, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him close. He lets me and even hugs back. 

"I love you" he whispers in my ear. 

I squeeze him tighter before I let him go. 

"I love you too" I tell him honestly. Because I do. 

We're silent for a moment. And then I remember the awkward situation that's paused in the meeting room down the hall. 

"We should get Louis and go finish the meeting" I tell Harvey. 

"I'm your lawyer" He tells me forcefully.

"What if I prefer Louis?" I say playfully. 

He laughs and honestly, it feels like home. It fills me with such joy hearing him happy, it's worrying. 

"No one prefers Louis" He replies still smiling "But you need to let me deal with this because you can't give him half of everything you've have worked for Mike" He adds suddenly serious. 

"I just want it over with" I tell him honestly.

"And it will be. But don't give in to this" 

"Harvey, I-"

"Maybe you have forgotten how broken you were but I haven't" He says suddenly, changing the tone of our conversation.

It was like he had slapped me.

"I haven't. How could I?"

"Do you remember that time after he came to see you after Zoe? When you locked yourself in the bathroom and you'd been sick and you couldn't even breathe?"

"Yes" I reply simply, answering his question. 

"I pulled you on my lap and held you and you could barely even talk you were crying so hard"

"I remember"

"He did that to you. That was all him"

"I know"

"Do you? Because I can't even think how you would be willing to give in to his demands after everything he's done to you"

"Harvey, I just want it to be over. I want to move on and if this means he and I can get divorced quickly, then lets just do it"

"Let me fight him. He deserves nothing and I'm not going to step aside and let him do this to you" He was shouting, arms flailing wildly, his face red and crumpled.

"You know I'm grateful for everything you do for me and you know that I love you-"

"I _love you_ " He cuts in. "But this isn't about that. This is about Elliott and the fact he thinks he can walk off with half of everything you have earned. Plus he wants spousal support!" He was incredulous "Do you want to pay for him and the whore he cheated on you with to go on holidays and dates and buy each other presents?"

"No" The thought of that made my skin crawl. "But I just want it to be over"

"It will be. I promise. By the time I am through with him he'll be begging you to end it. Just let me fight this. Please"

"What do I have to do?"

"Good boy" He says so quietly I'm not sure if I imagine it. "Nothing. I will deal with Elliott. He's not getting a dime"

"Thank you Harvey"

"I'm your lawyer, it's my job. Just pay my bill on time this month ok?"

"That was one time, five years ago and I was on remote location in Africa using a sat phone! I already apologised for that!"

He smiles in response. "Come on" he nods his head towards the door 

"Do me a favour?" I ask him. 

"Sure"

"Go easy on him"

"Mike-"

"Harvey, please, it's already ugly enough and I don't need to have a bitter divorce play out in the papers"

"I will deal with it as efficiency as I possibly can"

It's not really the answer I wanted but I think it's the best I am going to get.


	9. Chapter 9

Harvey picks up a file from his desk with a "Trust me" and we walk back to the meeting room. Elliott's stood outside waiting, for me, or for Harvey, or for both of us, or for this meeting to start again, I'm not sure. Harvey's face darkens and his posture changes. He's in lawyer mode now. Or perhaps not even in lawyer mode. Maybe it's more protective friend mode. All I know is he looks pissed. 

It ruffles me. Harvey had known Elliott long before he even met me and when it came to taking sides, clearly he took mine. Maybe because of the 'I love you' thing or maybe because he has issues with adulterers and infidelity. Regardless, I feel guilty for destroying their friendship. 

"Mike. I need to talk to you" Elliott tells me as we reach the door. 

"No chance" Harvey answers for me. 

"It's ok. I'll be in shortly" I tell Harvey. We have a silent conversation for all of ten seconds before he begrudgingly leaves Elliott and I stood in the doorway, awkwardly staring at each other.

I can’t take in anything apart from his face. He looks tired and a little bit nervous, which over the past four months is a look I’ve seen him wear more than in the twelve years we were together. _when we were together,_ It seems so _wrong_ and it hits home rather hard and I have to focus to stop the tears from coming. When we were together because, now we’re not. It seems so strange, so final. 

“Mike” He breathes my name. “I’m so sorry”

“What for? For having an affair? For leaving me? Or for trying to steal everything I have now?”

“Steal? You can't really think that?”

“What else do you call coming after half of everything I have”

 _"We_ have"

"Elliott, you earn $60,000 a year and we have an apartment on the Upper East Side"

I don't care about the money, the truth is, I would have given everything up to take back what he did. The house, the money, acting, _fame_ , everything, I would have given it all up without a split seconds thought, just to turn back the clock and make him not sleep with someone else. But Harvey was right, I couldn't let him get away with this and I wasn't going to.

"Which you no longer live in"

"I rented it out because it makes me sick to my stomach to stay there, in what was _our home_ "

We're silent for a few moments before he speaks again. 

“Mike. I care about you-" I scoffed loudly but he continued "I always will but I made a mistake– “

“That’s a nice name for her” I interrupted. He ignored me and continued.

“I made a mistake but I am sorry”

"You know, maybe I could have forgiven a mistake but you didn't give me that option. You just left"

"I knew you would never forgive me. I knew you would end our marriage-"

"So what? You got in there first? Dumped me before I dumped you?"

"We're both guilty-"

"Actually, we're not. I was never unfaithful to you. Ever. All I ever did was put you and our marriage first"

"You cut me out of your life!" He shouts. "The last time I saw you was in that restaurant more than a month ago. You refused to even speak to me. You changed your number and you moved house and you cut me out!"

"And this is your way of what? Getting back at me? Getting my attention? What did you expect? That I would say it's fine that you cheated on me and then left me and that we'd meet every Sunday for brunch and be best friends" My sarcasm knew no bounds. 

"Sunday's might be difficult for you, what with your lunch dates with Harvey"

I laughed. Not because it was funny but because it was ridiculous. 

"Suddenly you're so caught up on Harvey. Why do you even care? You're the one who put us in this position. Don't you have a girlfriend to worry about?"

"Do you want to know why I'm with her?” He asked me raising his voice slightly louder than it had been. I didn’t answer. "I'm with her because I made a mistake and I knew you would be done. I knew you couldn't forgive me and wouldn't be able to move past this. It's stupid I know but if I’m not with her, that means I didn't lose you and our life all for nothing. At least if I’m with her, it means I haven’t lost you for no reason. You know I still care about you"

“Perfect logic” I replied sarcastically. "And if you still care about me, you have a really funny way of showing it"

"He loves you" He said bitterly, nodding his head in Harvey's direction through the glass window. I know he meant as an insult but I didn't see how it could be.

"And you know what? The feelings mutual"

"You and him?...." He trails off.

I could have denied it. Perhaps I should have. But I didn't. I didn't say anything.

"You think I don't see how close you are? How close you have always been with him. You think I don't see you have feelings for each other?" He added.

"Harvey's family"

"He wants to be more than that. He's fine for a rebound but you'd be stupid to make him more than that-"

I was livid. "You don't get to stand there and make judgements about Harvey. He's everything you're not. He's loyal. He would do anything for the people he cares about. He's a good man and he's ten times the person that you'll ever be" I trailed off, overcome with anger, I needed to calm down but I couldn't find the willpower to do so "And you know what?" I continued without waiting for an answer "If you were really sorry you would let me try and move on with some semblance of dignity, after you humiliated me in front of the entire World!"

"And I am sorry for that and-"

"I don't care!" I interrupted, all but shouted at him, suddenly overcome with frustration "Saying sorry is easy but it doesn't make the slightest bit of difference. I am so sick of you and us and our whole story" I no longer had the patience or the will to stand here fighting with him. We were done, this meeting was just making it official.

I paused and took a deep breath trying to calm myself. 

"Elliott, I'm only going to say this once. We're finished and that was your choice. _You_ cheated, _you_ left and _you_ filed for divorce. I'm not giving you half and I'm not going to give you money every month for the rest of your life. We're done. And if you go back in that room and force my hand, I'll sit there and say nothing and gladly let Harvey rip you apart" I tell him my voice even but cold. I turn around and walk into the meeting room without uttering another word and take a seat at Harvey's side.

"Are you ok?" Harvey asks leaning in to whisper to me. 

"Kick his ass" I reply, voice still seething. Harvey grins.

Elliott comes in the room a few seconds later and takes the seat next to his lawyer. 

"Are we ready to continue?" Elliott's lawyer asks impatiently. 

"Yes" Harvey says "And we maintain that your client isn't getting shit"

"So your client is going back on his word when he agreed to give my client what he asked for?"

"Well your client knows more than most about going back on his word. Just like he went back on his marriage vows" Harvey replies. 

"We don't refute the terms of the divorce, that's not up for discussion. Your client entered into a verbal agreement which now he's breaking"

"Just like your client broke his word in being faithful" Harvey shoots straight back. 

"Again, Mr. Specter, that's not up for discussion"

"Ok fine. I'll tell you what I would like to discuss though, and that's this email dated May 28th 2012, three weeks before Mike Ross and Elliott Chase got married. Your client states in this email that should they get divorced, he will not take a dime from my client" Harvey says and scoots the file across the table to Elliott's lawyer. 

Oh my god. How did he get that? I vaguely remember that. Elliott and I were joking about buying a puppy and how I said no because I would be the one taking care of it and I jokingly asked who would get it in the divorce. Elliott said something like he would keep the puppy but he wouldn't take any money from me if we split up. It was all in jest, completely light hearted, a joke. I had almost forgotten about it but somehow, Harvey found it. 

"They don't have a pre-nup" Elliott's lawyer states. And we don't. Harvey told me to but I didn't want to go into a marriage thinking what I would get, or lose, if it ended. I didn't want to go into it thinking about it ending at all. 

"No, they don't. Against my advisement I may add. But as you can see in the highlighted section, your client writes and I quote 'Alright, alright, I promise if you ever wake up and realise I'm not good for you and we split up, I only want the Silverware and the chess set. Smiley face'. So I repeat, we're not giving him shit" 

The way Harvey says 'Smiley face' makes me want to laugh, which given the setting is completely inappropriate. He makes it sound so alien, like the mere idea of ending your messages with any kind of emoji is so distasteful and it goes against ever fibre of his being. I don't know why it surprises me, he can barely text after all. He's old school; _"A phone is for talking"._ Donna had to set up his blackberry for him.

"Clearly this email is in good hearted fun. Above all they're talking about a fictitious situation"

"It doesn't dispute the fact that he said it and it's in writing. Plain to see, in black and white"

"It won't hold up in court" 

"I can make it hold up in court" Harvey states confidently. "We'll give him the Silverware and the chess set and that's more than he deserves"

"Or we could go to court" Elliott's lawyer says.

"Yea you could do that. I like a gamble as much as the next man but you should know; I sent an email and fifteen minutes later, I had that" Harvey points to the file now in Elliott's hands. "If you drag this out in court, it gives me a month and in a month, who knows what else I'll find"

"Your client doesn't want this playing out in the press. A bitter divorce with his career to think about, that wouldn't look good"

Harvey stiffens and his face hardens. It's only for a split second and I barely register it but I know it happened.

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen and he knows it. I can't afford to have this dragged through the mud. I can't be one of the few openly gay actors who got married and then has a horrible divorce splashed all over the papers but Harvey is, well, he's Harvey and of course he recovers quickly.

"My client would rather have this play out in the press than give the asshole who cheated on him anything. You want to go to court, then lets go to court because I never lose and your track record says something very different"

Elliott's lawyer looks to Harvey and then to Elliott. He seems to understand that Harvey isn't going to back down, that Harvey's prepared to take his chances in court and his reputation is second to none. 

"I'll take the Silverwear and the chess set. I don't want to drag this through the courts" Elliott says surprising everyone. 

"Good" Harvey states with a brilliant smile. "I'll get the papers drawn up and send them across and then you and Mike are done"

"Is it finished?" I ask Harvey quietly. 

"He's finished" Harvey replies with a smirk.

~

Two minutes later and we're back in his office. He hands me a glass of scotch with a smile. 

"Thank you" I tell him. I don't mean for the scotch. 

"What did he say to you when you were talking outside?" He asks. 

"That he made a mistake, he knew I couldn't forgive him, that he's sorry and he's hurt I cut him out of my life" I ramble back.

"He's a coward" 

He's a lot of things, I think. But I don't know what happened to him. I once knew him like the back of my hand. I could tell what he was thinking by the expression on his face or the way he held himself but he's changed. I don't know who he is any more. It makes me too sad to think about so I push it down. 

"You were awesome in there" I tell Harvey with a smile.

"Did you ever doubt it?" He says full of himself. 

Truthfully no. There's a very small list of people I trust implicitly. People who's advice I would take without question and he's at the top of that list. He may not show you his emotions because _'he's against having them_ ' but; if your his, if he cares about you, there's no one better to have your back. 

"Not for a second" I tell him honestly. 

"You weren't too bad yourself" He tells me with a grin.

"I literally didn't say a single thing"

"I was waiting for you to turn to mush but you didn't. You'd make a good lawyer" He tells me.

"So I guess that would make us partners?" I grin at him.

"Well I wouldn't go moving your things into Wayne Manor just yet..." 

"So now you're Batman?"

"I guess that makes you Robin"

"Why do I have to be the sidekick?" 

"If you need to ask me that, then clearly being the sidekick suits you"

"You're an ass"

He grins at me.

"Dinner? To celebrate?" He asks casually.

"That sounds awesome" I tell him. And really, it does. I need us to be ok and it seems like we're finally getting there. 

"Two conditions" He says. 

"Hey!" I protest "You asked me. Surely there shouldn't be conditions"

"Well there are. One; I'm not going to some student dive where they serve pizza with cheese in the crust" He pulls a disgusted face. 

"Ok your highness" I reply. "And two?"

"You go and change. Seriously can't you get a stylist now? I just saved half of your fortune, you could use that money to pay for some decent clothes. I mean who lets you leave the house in that tie? Doesn't it damage your reputation?"

"What is your problem with skinny ties?"

"Again, if you need to ask me that, then I have no idea where your priorities lie"

"Fine, I'll change"

"Into something better?" He asks smiling.

"Goodbye Harvey" I say and begin walking towards the door. 

"I'll pick you at 8"

"Ok" I say and put my scotch down on his desk.

"And Mike"

"Yea?" I reply and turn around to face him. 

"It's good to have you back" 

There's nothing that I can say to that so instead I grin at him and walk out of the door.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary of chapters 6-9 but from Harvey's point of view.

I don't make mistakes and I don't have a lot of regrets but I regret where he and I are now. I regret last night at the bar and how things ended with him and I.

"You look like shit" Donna says as I walk past her and make my way to my office. 

I ignore her. I'm not in the mood to be Donna'd. Not now. Not after last night. 

Seeing him with another guy made me irrationally _jealous_. Who did this guy think he was and what made him think Mike would go for him? I never understood Mike's tendency to be so polite to strangers. It's like he willingly went along with everything. I'm sure his grandmother taught him better than that. But seeing him with some one else made something inside of me rage because if he's not with Elliott then he should be with me. But he doesn't want that. Even though I know he loves me, he just can't admit it to himself. Or maybe he just doesn't know it. Yet. 

After that afternoon where he freaked out when we almost slept together, I had avoided him and his calls because he's not ready and maybe he never will be. I never tell anyone my feelings but after twelve years pretending, it came out. My control slipped and I ruined us. My feelings for Mike changed our friendship and he's not in the position to face that. I should have kept my mouth shut. I needed a distraction and Heidi was attractive. But of course he had to show up at the same place we were. I had fooled myself into thinking she would do but compared to him, she was nothing. Compare her to him, even with the skinny jeans and those ridiculous trainers and that stupid hipster shirt and skinny tie, he was all I could see. He's ruined everyone else for me. I should hate him. 

I don't get jealous. I get what I want. But him, he's like an eclipse and everything else lives in his shadow. Including me. 

~

His calls every day are becoming a problem. I want to pick up the phone and talk to him but something stops me from doing so every time. 

"Mike's on line one" Donna says from my door.

"Donna" I tell her sternly. "I'm in the middle of a murder trial. I told you I am busy. Take a message" 

"I took three messages from him yesterday. Two the day before. One the day before that. Three last Thursday. Four the week before. Are you going to call him back ever?"

"My murder trial trumps his divorce"

"And your friendship from the looks of things" 

"A message Donna. Take it. And I don't want to be interrupted for the rest of the day. Not even Jessica"

~

Two days later and Donna's in my office when I arrive. 

"We need to talk" she says 

"Hessington?" I ask. I left the office seven hours ago. It couldn't have possibly gone wrong already. 

"Mike" she replies and I roll my eyes. 

"What about him?" I ask already knowing the answer. 

"Something happened. You're avoiding him. He's calling every day. Here and your cell. When was the last time you spoke to him and what happened?"

"It's none of your business. And talking of business, I'd like to conduct some now"

"Harvey" 

"What?!" I almost shout at her. 

"I know you care about him and I know he cares about you. So what happened?"

"I thought you knew everything because you're Donna" I answer rolling my eyes at her again. 

"I know that two weeks ago something happened with you two and you went out with Miss teen USA and ever since, you've avoided him. I know that as much as you say you don't do feelings, you have them for him. I know Mike and who he is, so something happened that he needs to apologise for and you're not giving him the opportunity to. So what is it?"

"It's nothing" 

"I don't believe you and you're going to have to call him back today because that rat of a soon to be ex husband of his, has just filed for spousal support and he wants half of everything" 

That asshole has some nerve. After what he did! My fingernails dig into the palms of my hands. 

"I'll handle it" I tell her. 

"So maybe his divorce doesn't trump your murder trial after all" she smiles knowingly at me before getting up from the chair and walking back to her desk. 

I pick up my cell phone and dial Vanessa. 

"Get me everything you can on Elliott Chase" I say urgently into the phone. 

~

"Louis. I need your help" I tell him knowing that these words will get him to do what I need him to. 

"You need my help?" He asks trying and failing to hide the shock from his voice. It worked. I knew it would. 

"I'm up to my eyes in the Hessington case so I need you to take over Mike Ross' divorce" his eyes light up. He knows Mike is one of my first clients and that he's in the public eye. He fawns over Mike every time he's in the office. 

"Mike Ross? You're giving him to me?" He replies as I think that I would never give Mike to anyone. 

"I need you to handle his divorce. His husband..." the word husband burns my throat. "...wants half of everything and spousal support. I'm working on some avenues to get us out of it but I need you to discuss the options with him and take the meetings" 

"I'll do it. Of course I will"

"Good. I'll have Donna call him and set up a meeting for you"

"Thanks for trusting me with this Harvey" he says, eyes brimming with tears. 

"Don't mess it up" I reply. 

~

"Donna. I need you to call Mike and tell him Louis is taking over his divorce"

"Why?" 

"Because I'm busy"

"Bullshit. Something happened and I'm not calling him to tell him anything until you tell me what's going on"

"I don't need to tell you anything. I'm here" I gesture up high with my hand and you're here" I gesture low with my hand. "Do your job"

"You slept with him" she bursts out.

Almost. 

"No"

"You wanted to?" She says.

"Just call him and give him Louis' number"

"I'm not calling him until you tell me"

"We had an argument" 

"About?"

"About none of your goddamn business" I snap back. 

"You're in love with him" she says, the realisation hitting her. 

I open my mouth to say something but the words don't come and my mouth closes again without my permission. I can't deny it. I want to but to do so feels like it's like it's betraying everything inside of me. 

"You love him" she states.

I want to deny it. But I can't.

"I do" I reply.

"And he took it badly?" 

"No. We worked it out" because we did. Kinda. 

"And then?"

I tell her. I tell her everything. From the time I told him I loved him. To the restaurant and Elliott and how I tore into him after Mike had left and how I came this close to beating the shit out of him right then and there. To the afternoon with the Scotch and Star Trek and the almost sex. To the bar and Heidi. And that asshole that hit on him. And our fight. 

"You haven't spoken to him for three weeks" she states. 

"I can't" 

"He obviously sorry"

He is. I know he is. But that's not a magic fix.

"It's all on his terms" I reply. 

"But you love him"

"If they know you care, they'll walk all over you" 

"He wouldn't"

"He already has. He just didn't mean to"

~

"He says he's leaving Pearson Specter" Donna appears suddenly at my door. 

I feel hot all of a sudden and my stomach lurches inwards. People don't leave me. But he isn't people. He's a law unto himself and everything he is and does is different. 

He's leaving me. 

I don't reply. I can't. I'm not sure I trust myself to open my mouth incase a noise escapes that sounds like a winded, death rattle. 

He's leaving me.

Again. 

~

Three hours later and I've accomplished nothing.

He's leaving me. 

I should have just answered the phone. 

I never should have given him to Louis. 

I look up from my desk for the first time in three hours and see him talking to Donna. It looks like they're arguing and before I know it, he's at my door. 

He knocks before walking in and he looks like shit. His face is hollow. His cheeks are sunken in. He looks exhausted and thin. The jeans and blue button down shirt hang off him. He looks gaunt. He looks ill.

It must have be more than three weeks since I've seen him because how could he have changed this much, in such a short space of time? 

I want to hug him. I want to tell him that I'll fix everything. I want to tell him that I'll make whatever is making him this unwell, go away. I want to tell him that I'll fight for him and he'll be ok because he's mine and I'll fix everything and he doesn't have to worry about a single thing. But I find myself saying something completely different. 

"Mike. I have a meeting in twenty minutes and this isn't the time or the place" I hear myself say. 

"I'll be quick" He says. His voice is shaky and uneven. He's nervous. I can't believe how ill he looks. How thin he's gotten. He looks broken and it takes every bit of strength I have not to break because I can't see him like this. He shouldn't be like this. My heart hearts. 

"You don't take my calls, you don't call me back, you don't answer my emails, or my text messages. You get Donna to call me about the divorce and now you're trying to palm me off to Louis" He rambles angrily at me. 

I wince at his tone. He's livid and I understand but it irkes me and I snap back. 

"I'm working on a murder trial so I'm sorry I can't drop that to deal with your paperwork"

"I get that you're busy Harvey but we have been friends for twelve years and even though I have fucked up, I would expect you have the balls to tell me to my face that you're done, instead of hiding behind Donna and passing me off on another lawyer-"

"The balls to tell you to your face?" I shout at him. 

I'm not angry at him. I'm angry at myself.

"Tell you what? Tell you that I'm sorry I can't drop everything and hold your hand? That I'm sorry I can't leave my client to go to Prison, so I can personally handle your divorce for you?" 

I would. And I will. I would throw everyone to the wolves to save him.

"It's not about that and you know it" He spits angrily back at me.

"Then what is it about? _This_ " I say gesturing my arm between us "Is all on your terms"

And it is. And that's new for me because I have never chased anyone. Ever. But with him, it's all different. And the truth is, I'd rather have it all on his terms than have nothing at all.

"Right ok, so you're punishing me. That's what this is. I get it now. Well, you might be done but now so am I. So tell Louis thanks but no thanks. Tell Jessica I'm no longer a client. Because message received Harvey, we're done" 

We're done? I can't move. It's like I'm frozen to the spot at my desk. I can't think. We're done? How can he think that let alone say it. He and I will never be done. We can't ever be done. I want to tell him nothing could be further from the truth but I'm paralysed. I can't even think straight. My mouth won't work. All the words are stuck in my throat.

He turn's around without saying another thing and head towards the door and walks out of it without even looking back.

~

He's not leaving Pearson Specter. He's leaving me. He's left me. He's here. In the building with Louis sat at his side. It should be me. I should be the one who has his back. Not Louis. 

He's giving Elliott half. Louis won't take the folder to get him out of this. Mike's already given up the fight. And he's given up on me. But I can't let him do this. 

I find myself walking to the conference room. I don't plan on doing anything. The folder is still on my desk. I just need to see him. I need to see if he really looked that ill or whether my imagination had embellished it. I hope it's the latter. 

The door is ajar. And Elliott's attorney is talking.

"So Mr. Ross doesn't contest my clients requests for half?" He asks.

"You're damn right he does" I find myself saying. I hadn't planned on saying anything but if he won't protect himself, if he won't let Louis protect him, then I'm going to do it for him. 

He doesn't even turn around. 

"Excuse me but who are you?" Elliott's attorney asks me.

"Harvey. Harvey Specter. As in the Specter, from Pearson Specter" I reply already annoyed by him as I walk across the room and take a seat at Mike's side. 

"My client isn't giving him shit" I add. 

"Mr. Ross has already agreed to give my client half of everything and spousal support, this meeting is to make that final" Elliott's attorney states. 

I ignore him and look to Elliott. I want to destroy him. Just like he and I have destroyed Mike. I'm no better than him. But if I had Mike, I would do everything to make him happy. I'd rather cut off my own arm than cause him any pain. 

"Here's how it's going to be" I say. "You're going to sign the divorce papers and you're going to agree to getting nothing. Now or in the future. Then, one minute after you do, you and Mike are done" 

"I would like you to address me, rather than my client directly" Elliott's lawyer states. 

"I don't give a shit what you want"

"I am entitled to half-" Elliott says. His voice nervous. I resist the urge to lunge across the table and beat the shit out of him. 

"Bullshit! You had an affair and you left your husband for the person you cheated on him with. You'll get what you came to this marriage with and nothing else. He's not giving you shit" I shout back. I'm losing my temper rapidly. 

"Harvey" Mike says. His voice quiet but commanding. "Can I speak to you in private please?" He asks. 

We get up and leave the room and Louis follows. I resist the urge to angrily tell Louis to leave. We're walking towards my office and I need Louis to leave right now. I need to fix things with Mike. I'm his attorney. I should never have given him to Louis in the first place. 

"Louis. I need to talk to Mike in private please" I say as politely and nicely as I can muster.

"This is my case. Mike is my client" Louis replies bitterly. I knew he'd do this. 

"It's your case because I gave it to you. And Mike, he's more than a client _to me,_ he's family" I tell him bitterly.

He leaves. Not quickly enough for my liking as Mike apologises for me. I can't focus on anything but how ill Mike looks. I swallow hard. 

"I thought you were getting another Law firm" I say. Maybe if I make light of this it will be ok. Maybe he'll forgive me.

"Well apparently my previous lawyer didn't leave me a lot of choice. Or time. I only found out two days ago that half of everything I own was up for grabs. I don't know why I'm telling you though, apparently you've known for a week"

"I didn't tell you, because I was fixing it" 

"You were? Or Louis was?" 

"I was"

"So why Louis?"

"I don't have regrets, that's just not who I am. But I regret where we are. And if I could go back in time and change it, I would" And it's true. Every word of it.

"And that's supposed to make this all better is it?"

"No. I just wanted you to know"

"Well it's not just you who has apologies to make"

"You and I." I pause. "We will _never_ be done" He has to know that. He has to know that it will rain in hell before that ever happens. 

"You're not the only one who got more family out of this" He gestures his arm between us "And I don't want to lose you and I don't want us to be done. I just am a fucking train wreck right now"

I wince internally. Doesn't he realise how incredible he is? He's the strongest person I have ever known. He's been through so much. Too much: With his parents. His Grandmother. Having the courage to come out to the World and risk the possiblity of hurting his entire career and everything he's dreamed of. To Elliott. He's taken some hard, hard knocks. But he's still here. He's still standing. He's still breathing. He's a little broken but he's standing tall. He's the bravest person I know. I wish I had an iota of his strength.

"Don't" I say and shake my head. "I hate it when you put yourself down like that. The truth is Mike, even at your worst, you were more than perfect to me" 

He is perfect. Even now when he looks so defeated. Even on those dark days when I worked from home as he slept on my couch, crying in his sleep after finding out what Elliott did, when I was too scared to leave him alone for fear he would do something silly. Even then, he was perfect. He always has been. He always will be. 

He walks forward and hugs me. He holds me tightly and I find myself closing my eyes and leaning in to him. I hug him back. I don't ever want to let him go.

I love you, I think earnestly and he hugs me tighter before releasing me. 

"I love you too" He says

I panic. I must have said it out loud. I thought I had only thought it. But I couldn't have done. He loves me too? As a friend. But I'll take that over nothing at all. Because this isn't about me. This is about him. And I need him to be ok. 

"We should get Louis and go finish the meeting" He says. 

"I'm your lawyer" I tell him. I should never have given his case to Louis and I'm not walking away from him ever again.

"What if I prefer Louis?" 

He's joking. I know. But it stings and I have to laugh this off.

"No one prefers Louis. But you need to let me deal with this because you can't give him half of everything you've have worked for Mike"

"I just want it over with"

"And it will be. But don't give in to this" 

"Harvey, I-"

I interupt. "Maybe you have forgotten how broken you were but I haven't" I don't want to hurt him but I need him to let me fight this. 

"I haven't. How could I?"

"Do you remember that time after he came to see you after Zoe? When you locked yourself in the bathroom and you'd been sick and you couldn't even breathe?" 

I hate myself. I don't want to remind him of this. I don't want to cause him pain. But he needs to get angry. He needs to remember how bad it was. I need him to hate Elliott. If only for a little while. 

"Yes"

"I pulled you on my lap and held you and you could barely even talk you were crying so hard"

"I remember"

"He did that to you. That was all him"

"I know"

"Do you? Because I can't even think how you would be willing to give in to his demands after everything he's done to you"

"Harvey, I just want it to be over. I want to move on and if this means he and I can get divorced quickly, then lets just do it"

"Let me fight him. He deserves nothing and I'm not going to step aside and let him do this to you" I was shouting now. Thinking of it made me livid.

"You know I'm grateful for everything you do for me and you know that I love you-"

I cut him off.

"I _love you_. But this isn't about that. This is about Elliott and the fact he thinks he can walk off with half of everything you've earned. Plus he wants spousal support! Do you want to pay for him and the whore he cheated on you with to go on holidays and dates and buy each other presents?"

"No" he states firmly. "But I just want it to be over"

"It will be. I promise. By the time I am through with him he'll be begging you to end it. Just let me fight this. Please"

"What do I have to do?"

"Good boy" I think. "Nothing. I will deal with Elliott. He's not getting a dime"

"Thank you Harvey"

"I'm your lawyer, it's my job. Just pay my bill on time this month ok?"

"That was one time, five years ago and I was on remote location in Africa using a sat phone! I already apologised for that!"

I smile and nod my head towards the door. "Come on"

"Do me a favour?" He asks. 

"Sure" Anything. 

"Go easy on him"

I feel like laughing. "Mike-"

He interupts. "Harvey, please, it's already ugly enough and I don't need to have a bitter divorce play out in the papers"

"I will deal with it as efficiency as I possibly can"

Because I can't promise anything else. Because anything other than me physically beating the shit out of him, is me taking it easy on him. 

~

I grab the folder from my desk as Mike eyes me curiously, almost nervously.

"Trust me" I tell him.

Elliott's stood outside the conference room waiting when we get back. I resist the urge to punch him in the throat. 

"Mike. I need to talk to you" Elliott says as we reach the door. 

"No chance" I find myself saying angrily.

"It's ok. I'll be in shortly" Mike tells me with a small smile. I stare intently at his face. Willing him to give me some clue. But I have to trust that he's ok and that he'll be ok because if he's not, I'll kill Elliott. I nod at him and walk into the conference room alone.

~

He's been out there an impossibly long time and it takes every ounce of strength I have not to turn around or go out and see what's happening but ten minutes later and he storms back in. Face red and crumpled and hands shaking furiously. 

"Are you ok?" I lean in and ask him. 

"Kick his ass" he replies.

I can't help the smile that breaks out on my face. That's my boy, I think proudly. 

Elliott comes in the room a few seconds later and takes the seat next to his lawyer. Unlike Mike who's seething, he looks like he might burst into tears. 

"Are we ready to continue?" Elliott's lawyer asks impatiently.

"Yes" I reply. "And we maintain that your client isn't getting shit"

"So your client is going back on his word when he agreed to give my client what he asked for?"

"Well your client knows more than most about going back on his word. Just like he went back on his marriage vows" 

"We don't refute the terms of the divorce, that's not up for discussion. Your client entered into a verbal agreement which now he's breaking"

"Just like your client broke his word in being faithful"

"Again, Mr. Specter, that's not up for discussion"

"Ok fine. I'll tell you what I would like to discuss though, and that's this email dated May 28th 2012, three weeks before Mike Ross and Elliott Chase got married. Your client states in this email that should they get divorced, he will not take a dime from my client" I slide the folder across the table to him.

"They don't have a pre-nup" Elliott's lawyer states. 

"No, they don't. Against my advisement I may add" I wished he'd listened to me on this. Then we wouldn't be here now. But if he had of listened, I wouldn't get the chance to kick this pricks ass now. 

"But as you can see in the highlighted section, your client writes and I quote 'Alright, alright, I promise if you ever wake up and realise I'm not good for you and we split up, I only want the Silverware and the chess set. Smiley face'. So I repeat, we're not giving him shit"

Who even uses smiley faces? They're so juvenile. 

"Clearly this email is in good hearted fun. Above all they're talking about a fictitious situation"

"It doesn't dispute the fact that he said it and it's in writing. Plain to see, in black and white"

"It won't hold up in court"

"I can make it hold up in court. We'll give him the Silverware and the chess set and that's more than he deserves"

"Or we could go to court" Elliott's lawyer says.

"Yea you could do that. I like a gamble as much as the next man but you should know; I sent an email" well made a call. But he doesn't know that. "and fifteen minutes later, I had that" I point to the folder that Elliott's now holding. "If you drag this out in court, it gives me a month and in a month, who knows what else I'll find"

"Your client doesn't want this playing out in the press. A bitter divorce with his career to think about, that wouldn't look good"

Asshole, I think. It's our one weakness. Mike can't have that. And I get it. But now is not the time to back down. 

"My client would rather have this play out in the press than give the asshole who cheated on him anything. You want to go to court, then lets go to court because I never lose and your track record says something very different"

"I'll take the Silverwear and the chess set. I don't want to drag this through the courts" Elliott says. He might be redeeming himself but it still takes every fibre of my being not to want to kill him. 

"Good" I say. We won. And he's done. And Mike's going to be ok. I can't help but grin. 

"I'll get the papers drawn up and send them across and then you and Mike are done" I hope he understands the full meaning behind those words. 

Mike leans in and whispers quietly to me. "Is it finished?" He asks. 

"He's finished" I smirk.

~ 

Back in my office I pass him a glass of Scotch. 

"Thank you" he says. 

"What did he say to you when you were talking outside?" I ask him. I need to know. Even if it's not my place. 

"That he made a mistake, he knew I couldn't forgive him, that he's sorry and he's hurt I cut him out of my life" 

"He's a coward" I say. He is. In the truest sense of the word. I hate him for what he did to Mike. Today doesn't change that one bit. 

"You were awesome in there" He tells me with a smile. 

"Did you ever doubt it?" I grin back. 

"Not for a second" 

Good, I think. 

"You weren't too bad yourself" 

"I literally didn't say a single thing"

"I was waiting for you to turn to mush but you didn't. You'd make a good lawyer" 

"So I guess that would make us partners?"

"Well I wouldn't go moving your things into Wayne Manor just yet..."

"So now you're Batman?"

"I guess that makes you Robin"

"Why do I have to be the sidekick?"

"If you need to ask me that, then clearly being the sidekick suits you"

"You're an ass"

I grin at him. 

"Dinner? To celebrate?" I ask as causally as I can manage. I want to spend time with him but I need to see him eat. He had gotten so thin that I am genuinely worried. If I can shove a three course meal down his throat, I'll feel a whole lot better. 

"That sounds awesome"

"Two conditions" I say. 

"Hey! You asked me. Surely there shouldn't be conditions"

"Well there are. One; I'm not going to some student dive where they serve pizza with cheese in the crust" I pull a face. All the while knowing that I would, if he wanted to. 

"Ok your highness. And two?"

"You go and change. Seriously can't you get a stylist now? I just saved half of your fortune, you could use that money to pay for some decent clothes. I mean who lets you leave the house in that tie? Doesn't it damage your reputation?"

"What is your problem with skinny ties?"

"Again, if you need to ask me that, then I have no idea where your priorities lie"

"Fine, I'll change"

"Into something better?" I smile at him. 

"Goodbye Harvey" He says and begins to walk towards the door.

"I'll pick you at 8" I tell him. 

"Ok" He replies and puts his Scotch glass down on my desk. Not even trying to use a coaster.

"And Mike" I call after him. 

"Yea?" He replies and turns back around to face me.

"It's good to have you back" I tell him. And it is. I almost feel complete. 

He grins and leaves and I am so relieved that this is nearly over, it feels like a weight has been lifted from my chest and I can breathe again. 

I finish my Scotch staring out at the city. And for the first time in weeks, I can't get the smile off my face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mike comes a lot easier to me than Harvey. Harvey is very complicated and just when you think you've got him pegged, he does something so completely different to what you were expecting that it throws everything off, so I hope this chapter isn't completely terrible. I wanted to give an insight into what Harvey was thinking and as suggested by the lovely Sauffie, I thought I'd give this a shot.


	11. Chapter 11

What to wear? Everything I wear he takes the piss out of. No skinny ties, no hipster trainers, no skinny jeans. I guess the trilby hat is out too. 

It's only when I start trying on my clothes do I realise how much weight I have lost. I knew things were bad I just hadn't realised how much I had stopped taking care of myself. 

Now things are finally done with Elliott, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. And maybe I shouldn't feel like that, maybe I should be devastated or catatonic. But I don't and I’m not. Of course I'm sad but it comes in waves and I'm finally starting to get to a point where I feel like I can swim and I'm not drowning in it anymore. Of course I miss him but I have come to realise that just because you miss someone, it doesn't mean you necessarily want them back because the truth is, he's no longer the person I fell in love with and maybe I'm not either. I don't know if you can go through something like that and come out the other side the same. I've changed and I know that. I don't think my changing has necessarily been for the better. In a lot of ways I am broken. All those times where it was bad, hurts too much to even think about, those days and nights where I couldn’t sleep or couldn’t wake up, couldn’t get out of bed, days and nights where I was led on the floor, shaking and crying and wanting to simply not exist any longer, it makes me hate both him and myself. I know I’m a work in progress but I also know that if I can survive him and the way he tore me apart, then I can survive anything.

Now things area ok with Harvey, I feel like I can breathe again. I was so sure I had lost him and there were times where I wasn't sure who I missed more, him or Elliott. 

I settle on dark jeans, almost black, with a plain white t-shirt that used to be far too small that now fits me perfectly and a blue cardigan buttoned over it. I'm even wearing brown, soft leather, dress shoes. I have given Harvey no cause to complain about my outfit. 

He picks me up at 7.55pm still wearing the suit he did at the office. His tie is lose around his neck and the top button of his shirt undone. 

"I'm impressed" he grins smugly at me as I open the door. 

"And why is that?" 

"Well most of your clothes resemble rags, you actually look-" he pauses, almost as if he's choosing his next words carefully _"Presentable"_ he continues. 

"Well as happy as I always am to get the Specter seal of approval, I'm starving, so can we go?"

His answer is a grin, like he's relieved, about what I don't know. 

We arrive at a steak house thirty minutes later. There's a huge queue but as soon as we enter, we're being ushered inside and shown straight to our table. 

I quirk an eyebrow at him and he smiles again. 

"Impressed?" He asks.

"Mildly" I reply. "Let me guess, you got the owner off a tax invasion charge?" 

He shakes his head and smiles

"Fraud?"

Again, he shakes his head, a smile still on his lips.

"Murder?" I feign a horrified look. 

He laughs and it warms me. Hearing Harvey genuinely laugh is one of my favourite things. 

"No, soap opera" he smirks at me "It's not what you know, it's who you know"

"And who do you know?"

"Everyone worth knowing"

"I should feel honoured then"

"You should"

"Seriously, how did you manage to get a table here on three hours notice?"

"You" he says with a tight smile, almost as if it’s a secret he doesn’t want to share. 

"Me? Me what?"

"I may have dropped your name” He pauses and smiles. “Apparently they're misguided and think you're deserving of special treatment"

"You dropped my name? Or Donna did? I didn't think the great Harvey Specter made his own bookings" I tease back.

"Me. Donna. It's the same thing"

"Except she's better"

"That's very hurtful" 

~

We order wine and three courses. The starter; mushrooms in a white wine sauce is incredible and the more I eat, the more I realise how famished I am. My steak comes and I devour it, only slightly unnerved at Harvey grinning at me as I eat. 

Two bottles of wine and a chocolate cake with the most amazing amaretto ice cream later and I feel as if I am going to explode. But I'm happy. It's almost worrying because I haven't felt this happy or fulfilled in such a long time. And it's not just the food making me feel like that because being with Harvey is easy and comfortable, there’s no pretense and the conversation flows easily. He seems happy. Telling stories about Louis and his cat. Or Louis and how he's doing a play with Donna tomorrow night and the fact that there will be a cod piece, which is way too much information, especially after a three course meal. 

We chat about work and my next project which is yet to happen and how much I miss acting but feel like I'm stuck at a crossroads. 

“Well, in my opinion" He pauses, looking serious for a moment "Which really is, or should be, the only one that counts; being defeated is temporary but giving up is permanent” He adds. 

"Are you talking about acting?" I ask. Not sure whether we've moved on and are now discussing the elephant in the room, which is us, or more so; the lack of us and his feelings. 

"Yes, acting" he says in the same tone I would imagine he would use if trying to placate a small child. 

"I don’t even think it’s about acting anyway. I think it’s more being back out there. Inviting the world back in. Having to answer questions and talk about things that I don't want to. You know what I hate?" The wine has made me lose my filter and I find myself losing control of the words that are coming out of my mouth, words that have been locked up tightly in my head and my throat for the longest time now.

He nods his head slightly as if willing me to continue. 

"He's always going to be linked with me. What he did, is always going to be there and talked about and discussed. I hate that"

He nods in understanding but doesn't say anything and we sit in silence for a full minute before the waiter comes over with the bill. We both make a grab for it. 

"Wait?" Harvey says with a smirk. "You're actually paying for something?"

"Consider it a thank you for today" 

"You still have to pay my bill"

"ONE TIME. HALF A DECADE AGO" I shout back at him. 

"Still happened"

"And you'll never let me forget it"

He grins and lets me pay with a “Thanks Mike” and we get up to leave. The restaurant is nearly empty and it surprises me that it’s midnight. 

We're out on the street and he starts looking around for a cab for me but there aren’t any in sight. 

“I’ll walk to the subway, it’s ok” I tell him. 

“No it’s fine, I’ll call Ray and ask him to come and collect us, he can drop you off on the way” 

“Harvey, it’s after midnight, you can’t drag him out of bed to come and get us” 

“The subway though?” He looks horrified. 

“You do realise that pretty much everyone takes the subway in New York right?” 

He pulls a face. 

We walk a few blocks and reach the subway, we have to part ways as we’re heading in different directions. 

"Are you going to be ok?" I ask him.

"What do you mean?" He replies. 

"Taking the subway. Do you even know how to use it?"

"I'm not a child. I'm a grown goddamn man" 

"I just don't want you to get lost and confused and end up somewhere in Brooklyn, roaming the streets muttering to yourself, like a crazy, old person"

He smirks and shakes his head. "Watch it" he warns with a smile which I return.

"I was brought up to be concerned about my elders. I'm just trying to make my Grammy proud"

"Well it's been lovely" he replies sarcastically. 

"Thanks for tonight Harvey. I had a great time" I tell him honestly.

His answer is to lean in to kiss me goodbye but before I know what I’m doing I'm pulling away and telling him no. 

“I'm sorry. I just thought-" he trails off dragging a hand over his face. “I just thought that as we had a good night and we were......" He stops. "I'm sorry” 

“It's ok" I tell him and it is. I'm not annoyed at him. I'm more annoyed at myself for doing this to him. Again. "It's just.....I can’t” I tell him honestly. 

"Are you scared? Or is it that you're not ready? Because there is a difference" he says. 

“It’s neither. Or it’s both. I don’t know. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you or mess you around but I think I’m too broken to do this” 

"Mike" He says with a small smile. "You're not as broken as you think you are"

Honest. Open. No judgement. Just stating it like its an irrefutable fact. 

It was like all of the tension, the upset and the hurt just left me. I'd been worried, although I'd never even fully admitted it to myself, that he wouldn't see me as anything other than this person who was damaged and broken. A project. A work in progress that he had to fix and attempt to glue all the mis-shapen and damaged pieces back together again. I'd had this nagging thought in the back of my mind that because I was so emotionally destroyed and closed off, I didn't live up to the expectation he'd had in his head of me, or even worse, that he wouldn't love me for who I was now. 

I grinned at him. 

"I think you're underestimating how good at pretending I am. I'm an Actor you know, make believe comes fairly naturally to me" I said playfully. 

He was serious now, the joking tone gone, he took his hands out of his pockets, straightened up and looked me square in the eye. "You're not as broken as you think you are" he repeated and closed the gap between us, taking me in his arms and pulling me close. My arms wrapped around his back. Neither of us spoke for a while, we just stood there on the subway platform, holding one another. 

"I've told you this before but I think I need to say it again, having the strength to take care of yourself when the World is trying to bleed you dry, it's the bravest thing there is. And you're one of the strongest people I know"

I pulled away, I wanted to look at his face. As much as I would like to take full credit for "fixing" myself after Elliott, despite still being somewhat of a work in progress, Harvey was the one who fixed me and put me back together again. He was the one who basically let me move into his condo because he was so concerned that I wouldn’t, or couldn’t cope by myself. He took time off work, which is so out of character it’s pretty much unheard of, all because he couldn’t and wouldn’t leave me on my own. He made sure I ate and he listened. He got me through it. 

I wish people saw all the good in him. That side of him was so easy to overlook between all the arrogance and well, his general dickish behaviour but I wished people saw what I did; that fundamentally, he's a good man and a decent human being. 

"I know you stole that quote from someone" I told him with a grin. 

"Sadly it's not a Specter original but it is true though, you are"

"You could say I’m a Super hero" 

He scoffed. "I thought we agreed you were Robin"

"To your Batman?" I asked

"To my everything"


	12. Chapter 12

"Wait he kissed you?" 

"No Rach I already told you, he tried and I freaked out. Again"

"How did he take it?" She asked taking another sip of her coffee. 

"Good. He was great actually. I just wish I didn't hurt him all the time"

"Well that's easy to fix"

"How?"

"Mike, it's Harvey. He doesn't let people hurt him-"

"That's just what he wants people to think. But underneath all of the bravado he cares…..and he cares what people think about him. He's my friend and I'm just so sick of doing this to him"

"Well you have three options, you take some time off from your friendship-"

My heart lurched and rattled against my rib cage, I don't want that and to be honest I'm not even sure if I could do that. I just got him back. I can't lose him again. 

She continued "-Until he can deal with his feelings for you or until you can deal with the fact he has feelings for you. Two: you label what this is. You make it clear you're just friends and that nothing will happen. Or three. You go for it, you be with him. You let yourself be happy. You know Harvey and I aren't close but I know he's a good man and I know he'll always do right by you"

She's right. About all three of my options. I know she is. But I'm stuck at this crossroads, not only with Harvey but my life in general. My career is non existent right now, I'm living in a rented house and I'm fairly sure I'm coming out the other side after having a nervous breakdown. Maybe now isn't the time to be making any rash life decisions. Maybe I just need time to heal. Or maybe I need to work, do a film, get back into a routine. Or maybe I just need to let the dust settle from everything before I do anything. 

What I do know is, I can't walk away from him. I can't cut him out of my life. So option one is a definite no. That week where we didn't talk, those three weeks where he ignored me and the two days afterwards, when I told him I was done, they're right up here with some of the worst times in my life. He's family and I don't want to be without him. I just don't know what that means. 

I realised that I had been internally rambling for longer than I had thought, Rachel realised this to although she hadn’t interrupted my internal dilemma but sat there patiently, taking sips of her coffee, a smile on her face just waiting for me to finish my thought process.

"Well?" She asks after a few more moments, she’s trying and failing to hide her smug smile. She knows she's right. 

"Option four" I state confidently.

"I didn't give you an option four" she grins. 

"I know" I return the grin. "But none of the others work for me” 

“Ok, I’ll bite. What’s option four?” 

“Winging it. I just need to see how it pans out" 

"I knew it!" She cries "You love him too!"

Of course I love him. He's my best friend. He's family. But the truth is; how I feel about him, how much I care about him, it goes deeper than friendship. 

"I can't imagine my life without him in it" I tell her honestly. 

"And?"

"And? And what?"

"You know damn well Mike"

"I'm not ready to rule out the possibility of a life with him"

It's utterly terrifying admitting that my feelings for Harvey go deeper than our friendship, that they run deeper than this family bond I have created with people who are not mine by blood. I don't know how I feel about him but until I do, I need to tread very carefully. 

Rachel grins. She looks impossibly smug but she doesn't say anything.

~

Jack, my manager calls with amazing news. The part I auditioned for a few days ago is mine. We start shooting in two weeks. In England. I've only ever seen England from a conference room, doing interviews and it's thrilling to know that I will be in the countryside of southern England for two whole months making this wonderful period drama about Elizabeth of York. My part is incredible: Henry VII, Henry Tudor, Henry VIII's father and the man that brought the houses of Lancaster and York together. 

It's incredible because it's a role I never thought I would get. Largely to do with the fact that my English accent needs a lot of work but it's so reassuring to know that I have a job. That I have something to focus on and get my teeth into and it's exciting. And it's a huge relief. 

I go out for drinks with my Manager; Jack and Rachel and Trevor tag along. 

I spoke to Harvey briefly this morning but he has a full plate with his murder case and some douche he used to work for at the DA, who is proving to be a real pain in the ass. 

I've drunk more than I should but at the same time it feels so good to be happy and enjoy myself. 

It's almost 11pm and before I know what I'm doing, my phone is in my hand and I'm ringing Harvey. 

He answers on the sixth ring sounding tired and frazzled. 

"Hey!" I almost shout happily down the phone.

He laughs. "Are you drunk dialling me?"

"Maybe" 

"Drinking on a School night. Tut tut" He mocks.

"It's only a School night if you have School the next day"

"Sorry I forgot I wasn't talking to a real grownup with a real job" 

I roll my eyes in response even though I know he can't see me. "Well this fake grownup just landed himself a job actually" 

"Congrats. What's the gig?"

"Gig? It's not 1947"

I can almost feel his eye roll from over the phone. 

"Mike" he warns. 

I tell him all about it. The role, England, the cast and how excited I am but he doesn't react in the way I thought he would. 

"That's great" he says but he's so unenthusiastic about it that it doesn't ring true. 

"Is everything ok?" I ask. "I hope I didn't interrupt you" Maybe he's just busy, I know this case is getting to him and I've been babbling on about my job, whilst semi drunk and I haven’t even asked how he is, or how his day was. 

"When do you leave for England?" He asks ignoring my question. 

"We start shooting in two weeks but I need to be there next Wednesday, to get ready and get my accent sorted. So in a few days I guess" 

"Ok" he replies. And only now do I realise. We've only just made up. We've both been through it and now I'm leaving for more than two months.

"Can I see you before I go?" I ask him. 

"When are you free?" He replies. 

"Well as you rightly pointed out, I'm a fake adult who has no real responsibilities, so pretty much always"

He laughs. "How about Saturday?"

"Sounds perfect. I'll speak to you soon"

I go to hang up when I hear him speak "Mike?"

"Yea?"

"Congrats on the part. I'm proud of you"

"Thanks Harvey" I reply and hang up.

~

On Friday I find myself at a lose end and there's nothing on TV, the more I practise my accent the less British high society I sound and the more London Market trader / cockney gangster I become. 

"Harvey Specter's office. This is Donna"

"Donna hi. It's Mike. Quick question. What's he got in his calendar for the next two hours?"

"I can't possibly divulge that information" she teases. 

"Oh that's a shame. There was going to be a triple, non fat, extra whip, caramel latte in it, for the best legal secretary in the history of the World"

"Bribery and flattery get you everywhere"

I grin down the phone. 

"Nothing. His next meeting is at 3pm"

"Ok. Don't let him go out or eat anything. I'll be there in 30 minutes" I tell her. 

"Don't forget my coffee" she replies and hangs up. 

Half an hour later I arrive and deposit Donna's ridiculously expensive coffee on her desk, along with some highly expensive but delicious looking, chocolate fudge cake, which gets me a kiss on the cheek from Ms. Paulsen. 

I knock before entering his office and he's on the phone but waves me in with a surprised smile. 

I put down my makeshift picnic basket on the table in front of the sofa and take a seat, waiting for him to finish. 

"I'll have to call you back" he says into the phone. 

Pause. 

"Yes I understand that but something very important has just come in and I have to go"

Me?

He pauses and rolls his eyes dramatically. "Yea ok" he says and hangs up without uttering a goodbye. 

He stands to greet me and I do the same. The awkward moment from the other night where I didn't know what gesture of affection to give him rears it's ugly head. We hug, mildly awkwardly and he smells like aftershave and coffee. It's instantly comforting. 

"What are you doing here? I thought we were getting together tomorrow?" he says eyeing the picnic basket. 

"I was bored. You know there are only so many day time TV shows you can watch without wanting to jam a pen into your eye" 

"So like a good wifey you bought me lunch" he grins. 

"Wifey?" I quirk an eyebrow at him. "More like best husband ever"

He grins but it doesn't reach his eyes and suddenly it feels very awkward, so I do what I do best in awkward situations, I ramble at him without taking a breath.

"Donna said you were free until 3pm and I know you'd just go out and get street meat, so I thought I'd get you a decent lunch" I explain. Hoping to avoid the husband mishap. 

"You didn't make or prepare any of this food though did you?" His face resembles something between fear and disgust. 

"No. You're safe. I did what any normal person would do. I purchased it...." I pause ".....But I do resent you implying there is something wrong with my cooking abilities"

"Implying? I was flat out saying it"

"And this is the thanks I get for taking time out of my busy schedule to come all the way down here, just to make sure you eat a decent lunch"

"I thought you said you were at home watching day time TV whilst trying not to gauge your eyes out with a pen. So which is it?"

"What are you? Some kinda lawyer?"

~

We sit and happily eat lunch together on the cold, black leather couch in his office. We talk about his case and the dick DA he's up against. We talk about my film and England and he judges my English accent before doing a terrible impression of Slyvester Stallone in Rocky, with a mouth full of baguette, which I rightly point out is disgusting but of course he claims to have swallowed it. 

Before I know it the food is gone and Donna's at the door. 

"Harvey. Sorry" she's says. "It's just it's 2.55pm and your 3pm is here" 

I've been here for more than two hours but it feels like five minutes. 

Harvey nods at Donna in response and I pack away the picnic basket quickly. 

"Thanks for lunch Mike" Harvey says. 

"You're welcome" 

"We still ok for tomorrow?" He asks. 

"Definitely. Call me when you're done here and we'll organise it" I tell him and he nods. 

I feel like we should hug goodbye but I know he won't make a move after the other night and I don't know whether it's appropriate for me to hug him; he's at work, his appointment is waiting outside and he's as dishevelled as Harvey Specter ever gets; his tie is undone, waistcoat un-buttoned and his suit jacket abandoned on the arm of the sofa. 

He starts to do his tie up as I gather my things. It's crooked but he ignores it and moves onto fastening the buttons on his waistcoat. 

"Harvey. Your tie" I nod at it as he does up the last button of his waistcoat and starts trying to fix his tie. His wrist hasn't healed properly after the sprain he got last month playing basketball and he's making it worse. 

I dump the picnic basket on the leather armchair and put my phone down before walking over to him. As soon as I reach for his tie he pulls a face and takes a step back. I want to laugh. That tie probably costs more than most people's rent but instead I scold him. 

"My hands are clean you idiot" I say. 

"You just ate chicken. This is silk" he says gesturing to his tie, pulling a face. 

I wipe my hands dramatically on my jeans and stare pointedly at him and he nods ever so slightly. 

I move forwards and reach for his tie, straightening it and tightening the knot and placing it correctly at the base of his throat. 

"Perfect. That wasn't so hard was it" I tell him in the same tone I would use if talking to a small child. 

He doesn't say thank you, he just nods again at me and pulls on his suit jacket.

"I better let you go" I tell him. 

"Thanks again Mike" he says. "For lunch" he adds obviously feeling the need to explain himself. 

I don't want to leave. It's worrying. I'll see him tomorrow so it makes no sense but I don't want to go. I find myself cursing his 3pm. If I feel like this now, how am I going to leave him for two months to go to England and do my film? Maybe the timing is off; we've only just got each other back after all the fighting and ignoring each other and I'm scared that if we leave things like this, in limbo, for two months, then we won't be ok. And I need us to be ok. I need him to be ok. 

Before I know what I'm doing, I take a step towards him and pull him close to me for a hug. I feel his arms wrap around my back and his head nestles into the crook of my neck. We don't say anything, just hold each other close and I listen to him breathe. 

We hold each other for what feels like seconds but before I know it I can hear Donna at the door cough loudly and we pull away from each other quickly. 

"Sorry" she says and she sounds genuinely so. "Harvey. It's 3.05"

Harvey says nothing but his face says everything. He gives her a look. It's stern. But he nods tightly and remains silent. 

"Sorry" I says quietly to no one in particular. 

"Speak to you tonight then?" I half ask, half tell him. 

He nods again and I pick up my phone and the picnic basket and walk towards the door.

"Bye puppy. Thanks for the coffee and cake" Donna says as I pass her. 

I smile at her and give her a peck on the cheek and then I'm out of the door and waking down the hallways to the elevator feeling strange and sad but I can't explain why.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one you've (hopefully) been waiting for...Mike realises his feelings and tells Harvey...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, huge lack of inspiration with this chapter....
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It's 10pm when he calls. He left the office only 30 minutes before and sounds exhausted

He thanks me again for lunch and we agree to meet for breakfast at 9am. 

"This is our last weekend together" I say down the phone.

"It's England Mike. You're not dying"

~

I'm running late and am slightly panicked. He hates bad time keeping, it's one of his many pet peeves. Normally I'd be tempted to tell a tiny white lie and claim the subway train got delayed, or stuck, or I selflessly gave my taxi to a heavily pregnant woman with a small child but despite the fact that I am an Actor - another annoying thing about Harvey is; he sees straight through the bullshit. 

I arrive at 9.17am and practically launch myself through the door of the bakery. It's Saturday and it's busy and hugely crowded already but I see him as soon as I enter. He's sat in the corner booth, nursing a cup of coffee, in jeans and a soft grey Henley and wearing an annoyed expression. 

I move towards him, feeling like a kid about to be told off by the head master. 

"You're late" He says before I'm even at his table. 

"I know, I know. Sorry" I apologise profusely, taking the seat opposite him. 

"There was this whole thing where a kid got trapped under a car and I had to stop and lift it off him and the mother was so grateful that she just wouldn't stop thanking me-" I sigh dramatically.

"That's what you're going with?" 

"Probably better than admitting that I was caught up watching kids cartoons and completely lost track of time" 

He shakes his head but says nothing, a smile playing on his lips. 

We order; Harvey a bagel with bacon and egg and me a full English breakfast - which basically consists of everything. He only rolls his eyes once.

"Taking this method actor thing a bit a far aren't we?" He says eyeing my plate as the food arrives. 

"By ordering a full English?" I ask. 

He nods.

"I very much doubt King Henry VII ate a full English" I answer and he then pulls a face. 

I devour my breakfast, everything is delicious, I'm going to love England.

~

We sit leisurely after eating and drink our coffees. I even have cake. It's nice, it's comfortable and easy and I'm genuinely happy. We talk more about Harvey's case, how he had a bit of a breakthrough last night and it's all heading in the right direction. He seems relieved. He makes fun of my English accent and starts trying to teach me English trivia which I strongly believe is completely made up. Before I know it, it's after 12pm. 

"Did we make actual plans?" I ask him.

"No. Was there something you wanted to do?" He replies. 

I shake my head no because honestly, there's not. Sitting with him in a bakery for three hours, has been the most I've enjoyed myself in months.

~

We wander around the city, doing nothing in particular; window shopping, stopping for coffee, walking and talking. At 3pm, we stop in a deli, buy some sandwiches and snacks and more cake and walk to Central Park. We sit on our jackets and eat lunch, our second picnic in two days.

After lunch I feel stuffed and tired, a nap would be perfect right now. Harvey's reading the magazine he bought at the deli and I sprawl out on the grass next to him. 

~

My next thought is that I'm uncomfortable and a bit cold and my neck is killing me. It takes me a minute to register where I am. 

"Morning, sleeping beauty" a much too happy voice chimes. 

Shit. I fell asleep. I look up and he's staring down at me. My head is in his lap. 

"Sorry" I reply rubbing my eyes and sitting up slowly. "How long have I been asleep for?"

"An hour"

"Sorry" I say again automatically and he smiles.

~

We wander around the city some more and pass my favourite bookshop. 

"Do you mind if we go in?" I ask. "I wanted to look for some more books for the plane" I tell him. 

"Ok" He replies. 

He hates bookshops. Always has. He's like a two year old whenever I drag him into one. Dragging his feet along the floor, sighing loudly and continuously repeating how bored he is. He takes this in his stride with relative ease, only complaining twice that he's had enough and wants to leave. 

Two books bought and twenty minutes later and we're in and out. It's just starting to get dark and cold. 

"You've eaten more today than most people do in a week I know, but I made us a reservation for Le Cirque at eight" He says. I glance at my watch, it's a little before six.

"I could eat" I tell him with a grin. 

"I know" He replies with an eye roll and looks off to the side. "Did you want to go home and get changed?" He adds.

"Is there something wrong with what I'm wearing?" I feign insult. 

"You really want me to answer that?" 

"I'll meet you there at 7.45 then" I reply not wanting him to reel off everything he hates about what I'm wearing. 

"OK. And Mike?" 

"Yea"

"Stop off at Rene's before you go home"

~

I arrive home about thirty minutes later, after making a stop at Harvey's tailor; Rene's, where I'm promptly handed a suit bag and a note that bears my name in Harvey's handwriting. 

I shower quickly and begin to get ready, I have to leave soon, I can't be late for him twice in one day. 

I open the note:

_**"Something told me you'd need this and by something, I mean common sense and by need it, I mean you're an idiot. Harvey"** _

_Ahh sweet love notes._

Inside the suit bag is a tux and it fits me to perfection. 

And at that point, wearing the tux that he not only picked but had made for me, spending a whole day doing nothing with him whilst having the best time I have had in the longest time, is when it hits me. The thought of not seeing him for months makes this ache in my chest physically hurt. And maybe I have always known but now, there's no brushing it off and there's no denying it. There's no coming back from this. 

I was scared about Harvey. I think even if I hadn't been through what I had with Elliott I would have felt like that. 

Despite the fear, there are some people who you just know that you want around and it doesn't even have to make sense. Being with Harvey basically defies all logic, if you look at his past and his reputation and how much he has hidden from me but in my gut I know it's right and I have to trust that, even if I am not quite sure I trust myself because the alternative isn't worth thinking about. Yes, this is Harvey and whilst he's someone who has a huge and intimidating past with both men and women, whilst he's a dick 90% of the time, he's also the person who always puts me before himself. He's the person who was there for me in the absolute worst period in my life and he was the one who got me through it.

I love him.

Maybe I always have. 

Maybe I have been scared of admitting this to even myself. 

But I do. I love him.

And whilst I am scared that it's all going to go wrong and I will end up destroyed, he's worth the risk. He's worth being hurt over. 

What I have with him, what I will have with him, is more than worth it, even if I end up being wrong.

I arrive at the restaurant at 7.42pm. I'm three whole minutes early and he's waiting outside. In a tux of his own. 

"Well you look nice" I tell him. 

"Thank you. So do I" He replies. 

"Dick" I say with a grin.

"A dick who just got you a new tux" 

"A thoughtful dick" 

"You're welcome" He says sarcastically with a grin.

We enter the restaurant and with a "Specter, Harvey Specter" told to the waitress at the door, we're quickly ushered to our seats and being handed our menus. 

"No dropping my name today then?"

"They were like; Mike Ross? Sorry sir I've never heard of him" 

I rolled my eyes. "Let me guess, they fawned all over the place when you told them who you were?" 

"Of course"

I rolled my eyes again. 

"Harvey, before I go to England, I need to tell you something"

"Ok" He sighs. "Can't this wait until after dinner?" From his tone, I get the impression he thinks that it isn't going to be a pleasant conversation and he doesn't want to spoil the evening. 

"It's waited long enough" I reply but before I can continue we're interrupted. 

"Mr. Specter" A gorgeous woman coos at him, gliding over gracefully to our table. She's ridiculously tall, wearing a tight but classy silver dress, high heels and has perfectly straight, glossy, long dark hair. She's absolutely stunning. 

"Sarah" He greets her warmly, standing up as she reaches our table, ever the gentleman. "It's nice to see you again" He continues. 

He introduces me as "My friend; Mike" but doesn't tell me anything about her, other than what I'd already gathered and that's her name's Sarah. They talk for a few minutes and she turns to leave before telling me it was nice to meet me and Harvey looks impossibly smug or smitten, I don't know. 

"Sorry. You were saying?" He says to me as he sits back down and unbuttons his tux jacket. 

I feel like the moment has passed but I know I'm out of time and I also know that if I don't do this now, I never will. 

"You know when I found out that Elliott cheated on me; I’d never felt so much pain. It’s crazy to think that one person can hurt you so much and for that person to be someone you loved for so long, it just makes it that much harder" I pause and take a deep breath before continuing. 

"I promised myself that I wouldn’t let anyone hurt me like that again. I promised myself that I wouldn’t give anyone the opportunity to do that to me again"

He said nothing. To anyone else his face would be impassive but it betrayed him, just the tiniest bit. His lips formed a thin line and his chin jerked ever so slightly upwards.

"What you said before about me being scared and running because it was easier than admitting how I felt about you is true" 

I planned what I had wanted to say, carefully. I had rehearsed it like it was a script but I couldn't get the words out of my mouth, it was like they were trapped and the only thing I can utter is the only thing I shouldn't say. 

"I can't compete with her and all the others...”

He scoffed amused “You don’t need to compete with anyone.” 

“I know I have no right to be annoyed with you but did you sleep with her?”

I shouldn’t have said that, I know I shouldn’t have but still, the words left my mouth without my permission.

“I haven't been with anyone since you. You've ruined everyone for me"

I smiled in response as he got up from his seat and walked over to my side of the table. Sitting at the chair to my left and turning to face me. 

"What's going on?" He asks. 

"I think I'm in love with you" I tell him.

"You think?" The grin that adorns his face is both huge and beautiful. So beautiful that I forget everything and return it. 

We look like idiots. We're sat next to each other in a packed and popular restaurant on a Saturday night, grinning at each other like a couple of morons. But I can't bring myself to care about that or anything but him.

"I'm scared Harvey" I say after a few minutes. This isn't the thing I should be saying to him. He doesn't respond to weakness and I need to stop being so weak in front of him. 

'I know. I am too" His answer takes me off guard completely. 

"What if this doesn't work? I _can't_ lose you from my life. If we do this and if this doesn't work-" I trail off.

"Mike" He interrupts softly. "You'll never lose me. Even if this fails, I'll always be here. You won't lose me. Ever"

"Do you think this is too soon after Elliott? What if us doing this now is too quick? What if it's a bad decision?"

"Only you know the answer to that. I can’t promise you I’ll never hurt you, or that we will be together forever because I don’t know what’s around the corner but I have never been more sure of how I feel about you. I'll always be honest with you and if anyone has the chance of beating the odds, it's us"

I wished we were at his place right now. Or at my place. I wished we were anywhere but here. I wanted it to be just me and him. I wanted to kiss him so badly it was almost a need. 

He continued "If you're not sure, I get it, but I promise you, I will be the best decision you ever make" He told me with a grin. 

Cocky prick.

"I love you" I tell him. 

"I love you" He replies. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mini update - Tiny bits of fluff

"We're not going to have one of those cliched and emotional airport goodbye's are we?"

"I'm surprised you even know what emotional means" I teased him.

"Mike, I'm against having emot-"

"I know, I know...you're against having emotions, not using them. And you didn't have to come and see me off"

"I needed to make sure you got here on time and safely. Knowing you, you'd turn up late and get on the wrong plane and end up in New Zealand"

"Nice to know you have so much faith in me"

"It's called experience"

"I'll have you know, I have never accidentally flown to New Zealand"

"Maybe not, but I do remember you calling me a year ago, to say you'd gotten on the wrong train in Germany and ended up an hour outside where you needed to be"

"If you'd ever been to Germany and had to suffer the Deutsche Bahn, you would understand how easily that can happen" 

"Alright, that's enough. Get on the goddamn plane"

"Alright Mr. T. You could at least pretend you're going to miss me"

"Please, if I'm anyone from the A-Team it would be Hannibal"

"I'm surprised, I thought you'd want to be Face, he is the funniest one. But then again, I'd make a good Face" 

"You would be Murdoch and Hannibal's the leader, so obviously I'd be him"

"Well as much as I would like to argue about who would be who in an A-Team line up, I do have a plane to catch" 

I closed the gap between us and took a step towards him and let him pull me to him. He wrapped his arms around me and I felt him kiss the side of my neck.

"Am I allowed to say that I'm going to miss you?" I whispered to him. 

"You better had" He replied and held me tighter "I'm going to miss you too. Let me know when you land ok?"

"Ok" I replied and kissed his cheek. 

He pulled away but kept his hands on my arms. "Mike. You're going to be the best fake British King there ever was. Even with that terrible accent"

"Uhh, excuse me, my accent is amazing" 

"Amazingly terrible"

"I love you too" I said sarcastically.

"Go, you'll be late"

I leaned in and kissed him gently on the mouth. He didn't do public display's of affection, not because he was embarrassed or ashamed of who he was, just because he thought they were inappropriate but he kissed me back, urgently. His right hand reaching around and resting on the back on my head, pushing my face, my mouth closer to his, deepening our kiss. 

He pulled away after a minute, both of us breathless. 

"Go and kick some ass" Harvey said. I grinned at him and nodded in response. 

"I'll let you know when I'm there" I said and gave him a quick peck on the lips and began to walk away. 

"Mike" He called out to me, after I walked all of two steps. 

"Yea?"

"I love you" 

I grinned. I couldn't help it. 

"I love you too" I called back.

~

****

From: mike.ross@gmail.com  
To: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
Subject: LONDON CALLING!

Landed safely. 

English chocolate is amazing. 

Sent from my iPhone

-

****

From: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
To: mike.ross@gmail.com  
Subject: RE: LONDON CALLING!

Your plane landed 40 minutes ago, how are you eating chocolate already? 

Harvey Specter  
Senior Partner - Pearson Specter

-

****

From: mike.ross@gmail.com  
To: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
Subject: RE: LONDON CALLING!

There are shops in the airport, that's how I'm eating chocolate. Will try and bring you back some.

Do you want a red bus or a red phone box as a souvenir?

Sent from my iPhone

-

****

From: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
To: mike.ross@gmail.com  
Subject: RE: LONDON CALLING!

How are you going to "try" and bring me back some chocolate? You either will or you won't. 

Neither. 

I have a meeting (That's something real grownups have, when they have proper jobs) 

Call you later, pumpkin.

Harvey Specter  
Senior Partner - Pearson Specter

-

****

From: mike.ross@gmail.com  
To: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
Subject: RE: LONDON CALLING!

I might eat it all. You're seriously underestimating how good English chocolate is. 

I'm buying you both.

You sound jealous. Enjoy your meeting. I'll be exploring London and eating delicious English food and then meeting cool English actors and drinking English beer. 

Pumpkin? Really?

Sent from my iPhone


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harvey's POV - Another mini update...

"I saw you cleared your Friday"

"I have plans"

"I saw you bought a ticket from JFK to Gatwick"

"You seem to be seeing a lot of things"

"I'm Donna"

I rolled my eyes. 

"Do you need me to cancel your Monday?"

"I guess you didn't see that my return flight is Sunday evening. I'll be in the office on Monday morning"

"I did see. It's just your return flight is from Paris"

"Yes"

"It must be serious what with taking him to the city of love"

"I could be taking him on a trip to Disneyland"

"But you're not"

"Of course not, he'd probably want to wear mouse ears and then nobody wins"

"Does he know you're going?"

"No. It's a surprise. He has the weekend off"

"And Paris?"

"I'm assuming he knows where Paris is"

"You must have it bad. He's only been there a week"

"I'm busy, so unless there's anything else?"

"I'm just not used to you taking time off"

"I am entitled to holiday"

"You've never used it before"

"I never needed it before"

"And now you have a boyfriend, you do" She teased.

"We're not 12 year old girls. He's not my boyfriend"

"What is he then?" 

"He's Mike"

"Your Mike"

"Donna. Did you actually want something"

"Just this"


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5 years later...
> 
> Mike's a successful, award winning Actor and owner of his own production company. 
> 
> And yea, they have a kid.

From: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
To: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
Subject: Our son

This morning Thomas issued me with a list of reasons, as to why his bedtime should be extended until 8.30pm. 

Harvey Specter  
Senior Partner - Pearson Specter

-

From: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
To: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
Subject: RE: Thomas Ross Specter. He's a Specter through and through

If there was ever any doubt, he's definitely your kid. What three year old uses a computer to print off an argument to have their bedtime extended? 

Mike Ross  
CEO - On a Parr Productions

-

From: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
To: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
Subject: RE: He's a Specter through and through

He fell over his own feet straight after giving it to me, that's not a Specter trait. That's the Ross in him.

Harvey Specter  
Senior Partner - Pearson Specter

-

From: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
To: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
Subject: RE: A Ross/ Specter hybrid

That's definitely the Ross in him.

Shame he got my clumbsiness and none of my good qualities

Mike Ross  
CEO - On a Parr Productions

-

From: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
To: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
Subject: RE: A Specter / Ross hybrid actually

What good qualities do you speak of? Your time keeping? Your impeccable dress sense? Or your complete lack of spacial awareness? 

Harvey Specter  
Senior Partner - Pearson Specter

-

From: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
To: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
Subject: RE: Rude

1\. That's very hurtful. 

2\. You married this. 

3\. I can't hear you over the sound of my TWO Oscars. 

Mike Ross  
CEO - On a Parr Productions

-

From: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
To: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
Subject: RE: Awards make noise?

No one likes a show off. 

Harvey Specter  
Senior Partner - Pearson Specter

-

From: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
To: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
Subject: RE: Yes they do. You would know if you ever won one. 

It's not bragging if it's true

Mike Ross  
CEO - On a Parr Productions

-

From: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
To: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
Subject: RE: I have a meeting now....

....it isn't the end of this.

Harvey Specter  
Senior Partner - Pearson Specter

-

From: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
To: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
Subject: RE: A fictional meeting? 

Words spoken by every loser I ever met.

Mike Ross  
CEO - On a Parr Productions

-

From: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
To: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
Subject: RE: 

I love you so much right now. 

Harvey Specter  
Senior Partner - Pearson Specter

- 

From: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
To: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
Subject: RE: I love you too. Coward

P.S - Our kid is awesome, he gets it from us both...mostly you though. 

Mike Ross  
CEO - On a Parr Productions

-

From: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
To: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
Subject: RE: Watch who you're calling coward. 

He's equal parts you and me awesome. 

I have to go pumpkin. I'll see you tonight.

Harvey Specter  
Senior Partner - Pearson Specter

-

From: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
To: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
Subject: RE: Is that a threat? You really should know not to put them in writing....poor form for a lawyer. 

I thought we agreed to stop with the "pumpkin". I know you're doing it because you think it's funny but really, it's not (and it's such a Dad joke)

Mike Ross  
CEO - On a Parr Productions

-

From: Harveyspecter@pearsonspecter.com  
To: mike.ross@onaparr.com  
Subject: RE: I am a Dad....

Sorry pumpkin.

Harvey Specter  
Senior Partner - Pearson Specter


End file.
